Da Techguy's (no longer backup) Blog

Charlie Anderson: Do you like her?

Lt. Sam: Well, I just said I…

Charlie Anderson: No, no. You just said you loved her. There’s some difference between lovin’ and likin’. When I married Jennie’s mother, I-I didn’t love her – I liked her… I liked her a lot. I liked Martha for at least three years after we were married and then one day it just dawned on me I loved her. I still do… still do. You see, Sam, when you love a woman without likin’ her, the night can be long and cold, and contempt comes up with the sun.

Shenandoah 1965

One of the most common things I’ve seen in the days since marriage has been removed from churches have been people writing their own vows.

Many of these vows are flowery, beautiful words, remembering pleasant times together and looking forward to a bright future together and to be sure I don’t doubt that when those vows were being made the couples making them were convinced that this would be the case forever.

Ah the optimism of youth.

It is true that love is a grand thing and that the vow to a love is a part of marriage but what IS love?

Love is being true not just when things are going well, but when everything is falling down around you. Love is standing with someone not just when all the bills are paid and you are going on fine vacations, but when the credit card bills are overwhelming you and your car and house are being repossessed. Love isn’t just devotion during the days of youth and strength, but in the days of infirmity, of age of confusion. Love isn’t just honoring someone when they has position and rank and standing, but when they have no position, no standing and seemingly no prospect for that to change.

The lovely phrases crafted by couples enthralled with the idea of the perfect wedding neglect this reality, but these traditional vows do:

“I, ______, take you, ______, for my lawful wife/husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health, until death do us part.”

As does the slightly more modern version

“I, ______, take you, ______, to be my wife/husband. I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love you and honor you all the days of my life.”

When you are wedded to a culture that says if it feels good do it and if it doesn’t throw it away, such vows are a scary thing, it acknowledges the reality of what marriage is and is has always been meant to be.

If you want yours to last, take thee traditional vows and acknowledge what a marriage is, you can always say some flowery phrases at the reception before you guests after the real vows are in the bank.

Previously in 30 tips to stay married 30 years:

• #1 Choose Wisely
• #2 A Long Engagement
• #3 Get Married in Church

Jesus Christ:Therefore what God has joined together, no human being must separate.

Mark 10:9

I think it’s no coincidence that it’s been years since I’ve been to a wedding at Church and that so many of the weddings I’ve been to during that time have failed.

To many a wedding is just a big party and to be sure a wedding is certainly worthy of the celebrations that insures a large and joyous one if possible.

A Marriage however is more, it’s a legal public acknowledgement that the person next to you is your mate.  It says to the government and the world that the children that come from this union have a mother and a father and that the people involved in said union belong to each other.

But a marriage in church, particularly a sacramental Catholic Marriage is much more. It is that acknowledgement made before God something blessed and holy.  It’s a contract placed before something greater than any mere human industry and done in a ceremony that while joyous, is also consummate with the dignity and the solemnity of the event and the entity that the promise is being made before.

To be sure a church wedding does not guarantee a marriage will survive. From Henry the VIII who was married Catherine of Aragon with the greatest of religious ceremony, to Ronald Reagan to our current President men and women have revoked these public declarations even when made in church.  It wasn’t until the 60’s this become not only more common but accepted and it’s no coincidence that the social ills that come with illigitmacy , single parenthood and absent fathers are now the scourge of society. The Common Thread, the secularization of the society and the removal of God from marriage made this possible.

This comes from treating the marriage contract as a “scrap of paper” to be discarded by men rather than a sacrament made before God to be blessed and kept.

Previously:

• #1 Choose Wisely
• #2 A Long Engagement

Thus grief still treads upon the heels of pleasure:
Married in haste, we may repent at leisure.

The Old Batchelour, 1693:

One of the biggest mistakes people make in marriage is haste. A trip to Vegas, or a rush to a Justice of the peace and suddenly you are in a legal relationship whose failure can cost you plenty.

A long engagement means that you get time to know each other, to spend time with each other, to see how others react in a crisis, to test your judgement. It also gives time to see how you act in conflict because conflicts WILL arise and you need to see how these will be handled.

Now by a long engagement I don’t mean living together, While that does provide some preview of coming events it becomes very easy to fall into the “it’s just a piece of paper” trap, which I will address in a future tip.

In the catholic Church there are meetings and marriage preparation that take place, these allows you to consider things that you have not advised by a person who deals with families every day and has seen marriages work and fail. This is an invaluable tool and a long engagement gives time for it to be used.

Additionally a long engagement give extra time to plan the Wedding date to maximize the chance of distant guests to attend, to give wiggle room in case an issue comes up and to be sure that your Wedding day is a memorable one.

The idea is to have a single wedding day in one’s lifetime, so take the time to make it a good one and it will help make it last.

Previously:

• #1 Choose Wisely

One month from today I will be celebrating my 30th wedding anniversary.

In an age when we see articles like this from old friend John Hawkins talk about how marriage is a bad deal this is a rare thing.

My standard line is to credit this success to my good luck and my wife’s failing eyesight but the reality is that like anything else the success of my marriage is not accidental and comes from decisions both past and current.

So over the next 30 days I’m going to give you 30 tips in no particular order of importance 30 tips on making your current or upcoming or future marriage last 30 thirty years.

Today’s Tip: Choose Wisely

Eddie Kagle [as Judge Parker] We want to get married.

Minister: Why? [confused looks] Too many people get married today without asking why?

Angel on my Shoulder 1946

This is such an obvious statement that it seems ridiculous to mention it but many people both get married and choose a mate in haste or without considering the most important things to consider.

• Is this the person that I want raising my children? Teaching them right and wrong, protecting them?
• Will this person contribute to our mutual partnership, if not financially, in terms of morale, in terms of action, or spiritually?
• Is this person compatible with me in the morals and beliefs that I wish to pass onto our children?
• Can I see myself waking up next to this person in 30 years and being glad that I did?

Today’s culture ignores these questions, encourages people to make rash decisions based on transitory emotions, but without these important practical questions, asked and answered up front, you are going to find that the seeds of failure will be planted right at the start.