Da Techguy's (no longer backup) Blog

Mr. Potter: Now let’s look at your side. A young man, twenty-seven, twenty-eight, married, making, say, forty a week.

George Bailey: Forty-five!

Mr. Potter: Forty-five. Forty-five. Out of which, after supporting your mother and paying your bills, you’re able to keep, say, ten, if you skimp. A child or two comes along and you won’t even be able to save the ten.

It’s a Wonderful Life 1946

There is a real trap that takes place early in marriage you’ve just come off a honeymoon. You’ve been showered with gifts and unlike year past you likely have two incomes coming in instead of one. It’s very easy with a start like this to begin living high or at least higher than you did before.

This is a trap worth dodging and that’s done by living modestly.

Early in the marriage is the time to build that nest egg for those inevitable expenses that will come. If you have some left over cash from the wedding, pay down or off your credit cards. If you don’t concentrate on eliminating any existing debts that you brought with you. The fastest way to get rich is to leave below your means, that’s also the fastest way to get out of debt.

If you were in the habit of eating out three times a week, make it two instead. Did you go out for lunch at work regularly, take a lunch instead. Put off that latest iPhone or TV upgrade or that new car and don’t worry what your neighbors or friends have. Do half of what you’re used to doing (and make that half count) and put that money aside.

Once your debts are gone build your savings. Get that first thousand in the bank and once it becomes two put that 2nd thousand in a CD and keep doing it. If you get a raise at work put that increase directly into savings, save up for that house and once you get that mortgage put an extra hundred or two toward it.

Money Problems are one of the most common sources of tension in marriage and will stalk a couple like a wolf at the door. Living modestly will keep that wolf at bay.

The 30 Tips to Say Married 30 years so far

• #1 Choose Wisely
• #2 A Long Engagement
• #3 Get Married in Church
• #4 Don’t Write Your Own Vows
• #5 Set Limits Early

Tommy: She said I could have one if it was dusty.

Mac: Wife don’t like him to drink.

Jimmy Ringo: Don’t blame her….[pleasant conversation as they drink together] That’s fine, have one with me

Tommy: No thanks. ONE is what she said

The Gunfighter 1950

This one is very hard.

There are certain things that are important to individuals for whatever reason, either they value them or they hate them with a passion.

These things develop over our youth and by the time we’re getting married they are ingrained, sometimes to a degree where we think Of COURSE everyone feels the same way.

It can be a thing as simple as putting pans away a certain way or as complicated as an annual pilgrimage. With my brother Tony it was clothes, he told his wife to be in no uncertain clothes that nobody washed clothes but him, but whatever it is, you need to discuss it with your fiancée /wife/husband. Before marriage is best but if you wait till after the nuptials do it quick.

The sooner these limits are set the less likely they will fester into resentment and if for some reason this contradicts something important to your spouse it’s best to get it out there early while still in the throes of the enchantment of new marriage when you are likely to resolve it, than to have it out when that factor is no longer there and you’ve had years of silence breeding resentment that will burst out when you’re angry.

It will pay off in the long run, my brother Tony will be married 48 years all of which involved him doing the laundry to his wife’s delight.

Previously in 30 tips to stay married 30 years:

• 1 Choose Wisely
• #2 A Long Engagement
• #3 Get Married in Church
• #4 Don’t Write Your Own Vows

Charlie Anderson: Do you like her?

Lt. Sam: Well, I just said I…

Charlie Anderson: No, no. You just said you loved her. There’s some difference between lovin’ and likin’. When I married Jennie’s mother, I-I didn’t love her – I liked her… I liked her a lot. I liked Martha for at least three years after we were married and then one day it just dawned on me I loved her. I still do… still do. You see, Sam, when you love a woman without likin’ her, the night can be long and cold, and contempt comes up with the sun.

Shenandoah 1965

One of the most common things I’ve seen in the days since marriage has been removed from churches have been people writing their own vows.

Many of these vows are flowery, beautiful words, remembering pleasant times together and looking forward to a bright future together and to be sure I don’t doubt that when those vows were being made the couples making them were convinced that this would be the case forever.

Ah the optimism of youth.

It is true that love is a grand thing and that the vow to a love is a part of marriage but what IS love?

Love is being true not just when things are going well, but when everything is falling down around you. Love is standing with someone not just when all the bills are paid and you are going on fine vacations, but when the credit card bills are overwhelming you and your car and house are being repossessed. Love isn’t just devotion during the days of youth and strength, but in the days of infirmity, of age of confusion. Love isn’t just honoring someone when they has position and rank and standing, but when they have no position, no standing and seemingly no prospect for that to change.

The lovely phrases crafted by couples enthralled with the idea of the perfect wedding neglect this reality, but these traditional vows do:

“I, ______, take you, ______, for my lawful wife/husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health, until death do us part.”

As does the slightly more modern version

“I, ______, take you, ______, to be my wife/husband. I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love you and honor you all the days of my life.”

When you are wedded to a culture that says if it feels good do it and if it doesn’t throw it away, such vows are a scary thing, it acknowledges the reality of what marriage is and is has always been meant to be.

If you want yours to last, take thee traditional vows and acknowledge what a marriage is, you can always say some flowery phrases at the reception before you guests after the real vows are in the bank.

Previously in 30 tips to stay married 30 years:

• #1 Choose Wisely
• #2 A Long Engagement
• #3 Get Married in Church

Jesus Christ:Therefore what God has joined together, no human being must separate.

Mark 10:9

I think it’s no coincidence that it’s been years since I’ve been to a wedding at Church and that so many of the weddings I’ve been to during that time have failed.

To many a wedding is just a big party and to be sure a wedding is certainly worthy of the celebrations that insures a large and joyous one if possible.

A Marriage however is more, it’s a legal public acknowledgement that the person next to you is your mate.  It says to the government and the world that the children that come from this union have a mother and a father and that the people involved in said union belong to each other.

But a marriage in church, particularly a sacramental Catholic Marriage is much more. It is that acknowledgement made before God something blessed and holy.  It’s a contract placed before something greater than any mere human industry and done in a ceremony that while joyous, is also consummate with the dignity and the solemnity of the event and the entity that the promise is being made before.

To be sure a church wedding does not guarantee a marriage will survive. From Henry the VIII who was married Catherine of Aragon with the greatest of religious ceremony, to Ronald Reagan to our current President men and women have revoked these public declarations even when made in church.  It wasn’t until the 60’s this become not only more common but accepted and it’s no coincidence that the social ills that come with illigitmacy , single parenthood and absent fathers are now the scourge of society. The Common Thread, the secularization of the society and the removal of God from marriage made this possible.

This comes from treating the marriage contract as a “scrap of paper” to be discarded by men rather than a sacrament made before God to be blessed and kept.

Previously:

• #1 Choose Wisely
• #2 A Long Engagement