You might recall a while back I used to do 100 word fan fiction post and did a three post story about the Rat Patrol being captured and sent to the toughest POW camp in Germany.
Well thanks to the wonders of AI instead and several touches of my own my 300 word is now a the full script titled: The Desert Rats Great escape:
Act 1: The Rats Arrive
[Scene: Stalag 13 courtyard, morning roll call. Klink stands smugly as Schultz counts the prisoners. Hogan lounges with LeBeau, Newkirk, Carter, and Kinch.]
Klink: (beaming) Another perfect roll call, Schultz! No escapes, no disturbances. Stalag 13 remains the jewel of the Luftwaffe’s prison system!
Schultz: Ja, Herr Kommandant. All present—except the new prisoners arriving today.
Hogan: (raising an eyebrow) New prisoners, huh? Anyone we should roll out the red carpet for?
Klink: (puffing up) Hardly, Hogan. Four troublemakers from some Allied desert unit. Caught blowing up Rommel’s supply lines! They’ll find Stalag 13 less… explosive.
[A backround drum roll begins as A truck rumbles in. Troy, Moffitt, Hitchcock, and Tully climb out, dusty and defiant in tattered desert gear, hands bound.]
Troy: (to Moffitt) Traded sand for barbed wire. Any bright ideas, Professor?
Moffitt: (dryly) A bit far from a jeep and a machine gun, old chap.
Hitchcock: (chewing gum) Aw, man, I knew we should’ve taken that left at Tunis.
Tully: (toothpick in mouth) Least the food’s gotta beat sand and lizards.
Hogan: (whispering to Kinch) These guys have seen action. If they brought them all the way up here they must have some intel.
Kinch: (nodding) North Africa? Could be Rommel’s next move.
Hogan: (whispering to Kinch) Kinch contact London let them know about the latest guests to Klink’s pleasure palace.
[Schultz marches the Rat Patrol to barracks 4. Hogan and Troy exchange a quick, knowing nod soldier to soldier.]
Act 2: The Plan Takes Shape
[Scene: view of commandant Klink’s roof Kinch is razing the antenna and it goes up from the flagpole. Flash over to Hogan’s quarters. The team gathers around the as Kinch tunes reports the reply from London.]
Kinch: Here you go Col, London wants the boys out.
Hogan: [reading message] Urgent: Free the captured Rat Patrol. They carry vital intelligence on Axis troop movements.
Meanwhile from the coffee pot they hear Klink speaking to Major Hochstetter on the phone that the Gestapo en route to Stalag 13 to question the rats.
Hogan: (grinning) VIPs to spring, boys. Ideas?
LeBeau: (indignant) They’re filthy! Clean them up, dress them as Luftwaffe officers, march them out!
Newkirk: (smirking) Nah, fake a tunnel collapse. Klink thinks they’re dead, we smuggle ‘em out.
Carter: (excited) Yeah! Explosives—uh, no, that’d ruin Klink’s record. Never mind.
Hogan: (pacing) You’re all close, we need a swap—four bodies for four bodies, no escape on Klink’s watch.
Kinch: (grinning) Like the mannequins from the tailor shop?
Hogan: Live volunteers this time. Let’s meet our guests.
[Cut to Barracks 4 Troy sharpens a spoon into a shiv, Moffitt sketches a map in the dirt, Hitchcock paces, Tully naps.] Hogan comes to the door stopped by Schultz]
Schultz: Halt! Orders from the commandant. Nobody is to see these prisoners.
Hogan: As senior POW officer I’m allowed to see any prisoner at any time.
Schultz: I have my orders direct from the Kommandant nobody is to enter these barracks… [Hogan takes out three candy bars from his pocket]…for more than 10 minutes. [He stands aside and let’s Hogan pass]
Hogan: [Opening the door casual] walks in the group eyes him with suspicion] Evening, gentlemen. Rat Patrol, right? Nice work out there.
Troy: (wary) Who’s asking?
Hogan: Colonel Robert Hogan, senior POW officer.
Tully: They haven’t given anyone access to us. You walked in here pretty easy.
Hitchcock: Yeah that guard folded pretty easy.
Hogan: Schultz? He’s been house trained for a while. We’ve been in contact with London We’ve been ordered to spring you. We’re your ticket out—if you’re game.
Moffitt: (intrigued) London? Escape? Without digging through frozen soil, I hope?
Hogan: (smirking) Digging’s overrated. How’s playing dead sound?
[The Rats look at each other as the scene fades]
Act 2.5: The Gestapo Grilling
[Scene: Klink’s office, late afternoon. Hochstetter paces before the Rat Patrol, bound in chairs. Klink fidgets at his desk, Hogan leans against the wall, Schultz sweats by the door.]
Hochstetter: (snarling) The infamous Rat Patrol! You’ll tell me everything you’ve learned about —Rommel’s routes, your contacts—or it’s Berlin in chains!
Troy: (coolly) Troy, Sergeant, U.S. Army. That’s it, pal.
Hogan: (cheerful) Don’t sell yourself short, Troy—you’ve got that winning smile too!
Hochstetter: (to Klink, irritated indicating Hogan) What is this man doing here?
Klink: (nervous) Uh, Hogan’s the senior POW officer—regulations—
Hochstetter: (to Moffitt) You—British, educated. Speak!
Moffitt: (calmly) Sergeant Jack Moffitt, British 8th Army Long Range desert group. My knowledge is sand dunes and Bedouin folk songs. Care for a rendition?
Hogan: (grinning) Careful, Major, he might serenade you right into the Sahara!
Hochstetter: (louder at Klink) What is this man doing here?
Klink: (stammering) Assisting, Major! The Geneva convention…—
Hochstetter: (to Klink) Geneva convention? This is a Gestapo interrogation! (Turning to Hitchcock) You—chewing gum like a cowboy! What do you know?
Hitchcock: (grinning, popping gum) Private Mark Hitchcock. Drive fast, shoot straight, don’t like you.
Hochstetter: (to Tully) And this one—silent, chewing a toothpick!
Tully: (drawl) Private Tully Pettigrew. Long way from Kentucky to this dump.
Hochstetter: (slamming Klink’s desk) Enough! Klink, they’re dangerous! I want them in Gestapo custody by morning!
Klink: (stammering) But Herr Major given my no escape record—
Hogan: Yup they’d never get out of the Iron Colonel hands
Hochstetter: (screaming) WHAT IS THIS MAN DOING HERE?!?
Hogan: (shrugging) Admiring your volume, Major. But these guys look rough—Desert fever’s contagious. Want that in Berlin?
Hochstetter: (screaming) Desert fever?
Klink: (flinching covering his face) Desert Fever, in my camp?
Troy: (Catching on , coughing) Been feeling hot lately. (nudges Moffitt)
Moffitt: (dramatic) I’ve got something ghastly. (coughs)
Hitchcock: (overacting) My head’s spinning! (sways)
Tully: (deadpan) Burnin’ up. Hope it ain’t catchin’.
Klink: (panicking) Contagious? In my camp?
Hogan: (serious) Could be. Quarantine’s safest.
Hochstetter: (backing away) Hmph! I’ll return with a medical team tomorrow. If this is a trick, Hogan, you’re finished! (storms out)
Klink: (frantic) Schultz! You were guarding these prisoners. Did you know about this fever?
Schultz: (waving hands) I see nothing I know nothing, NOTHING! One minute prisoners, the next coughing—too much! Maybe it’s the sand…
Hogan: (patting Schultz) Easy, big guy. Kommandant, to the infirmary—before we all sneeze.
Klink: (wringing hands and covering his face) Yes, out—carefully! Schultz, move them!
Schultz: (saluting) Jawohl! (to Rats) Sick boys, this way—slowly!
[Hogan winks at Troy as they exit.]
Act 3: The Switcheroo
[Scene: Stalag 13 infirmary, night. LeBeau faints, drawing Schultz’s attention.]
Schultz: (panicked) Oh no! Herr Kommandant will have my head! Infirmary, schnell!
[Meanwhile in Barracks 4 a stove moves aside and to the Amazement of the Rats Newkirk and Carter enter from below along with four of Hogan men. The four switch clothes with the rats who go down the tunnel where they are trying on Gestapo guard uniforms made/stolen by Newkirk.]
Troy: (adjusting cap) This kraut gear itches worse than sand fleas.
Hitchcock: (grinning) Beats a Gestapo cell, Sarge.
[In the infirmary, Klink arrives as Hogan spins a tale.]
Hogan: (solemn) Bad news, Kommandant. Rare North African fever—contagious. Quarantine’s the only way.
Klink: (horrified) Contagious? In my camp? Out of the question! Get those Desert rats in here at once!
Act 3.5: The Desert Plague Deception
[Scene: Klink’s office, late evening. Klink sips schnapps, Schultz polishes his rifle. The phone rings.]
Klink: (nervous) Stalag 13, Klink—oh, Major Hochstetter! Yes, they’re in the infirmary—
Hochstetter: (sharp) My medical team’s coming to your camp. We’ve sent for Dr. Heinrich Voss from Berlin a specialist in desert diseases. He will come with his own guard and have full authority to decide what to do with these men. I want them in Gestapo custody by midnight!
Klink: Of course, he will have my fullest corporation Major.
Hochstetter: And I warn you If this is a trick, Klink, you’re done! (slams phone)
Klink: (muttering) Why me?
Schultz: (nervous) Should I check them, Herr Kommandant?
Klink: (snapping) No, stay here! I need company for my misery!
[Cut to Hogan’s quarters. Kinch relays the call.]
Hogan: (grinning) Gestapo medical team and a doctor with his own guards? We’ll arrange for the underwound to intercept Voss and his guards. Newkirk, you’re Voss. Rats, you’re his guards. Underground raids the hotel, you ‘chase’ them out. Kinch, prep the tunnel for our boys.
Newkirk: (smirking) Dr. Voss, eh? What’s the disease?
Hogan: Desert Plague—scary and contagious.
[Scene shifts to the infirmary. Newkirk, as “Dr. Voss” with mustache and medical bag, enters. Hogan’s disguised men groan as “patients.” The real Rat Patrol stand as “guards.” Klink and Schultz hover.]
Newkirk: (thick accent) Dr. Heinrich Voss, Berlin! Heil Hitler.
Klink: Heil Hitler! [The disguised Rat Patrol make a crisp Nazi salute]
Newkirk(Voss): Vhere are ze patients?
Klink: (rushing) Here, Doctor! Coughing, swaying—desert fever!
Newkirk: (pretends to examine the phony Rat Patrol and gives a dramatic look of Horror!) Nein, zis is not Desert Fever. It is Desert Plague! The Rarest, most contagious Sahara disease—fever, delirium, wildfire spread!
Klink: (pale) Plague?!
Schultz: (wide-eyed) I feel a cough already!
Newkirk: (stern) Too sick for Gestapo HQ—catastrophic risk! Quarantine at Hammelburg hotel. Civilians are expendable. Extra guards for security! (nods to “guards”—real Rats)
Klink: (panicking) But Major Hochstetter wanted them by midnight—
Newkirk: (cutting in) He’ll thank me vhen he’s not infected! Schultz, load zem—carefully! And I want you can Col Klink to remain in his office until further notice.
Schultz: JaVol Herr Doctor, [as he leads them out to the truck he notices Voss looks rather familiar Newkirk winks at Schultz as he leaves with “patients” and “guards.”]
Schultz: (spinning away) I see nothing! I know nothing!
[The truck departs with Hogan’s men (“patients”), the Rat Patrol (“guards”), and Newkirk. At the hotel, underground “raids the place, the fake rat patrol leave with them and The “guards”—Troy, Moffitt, Hitchcock, Tully—shout and “pursue.”]
Troy: (yelling) Stop them! They’re taking the prisoners!
Newkirk as Voss: (dramatic) Nein! Ze Desert Plague vill spread—keep back! [and joins the “chase”. The real Rat Patrol slips away with the underground. Newkirk leads Hogan’s men back via the emergency tunnel.]
Act 4: The Perfect Record Remains
[Scene: Klink’s office, next morning. Klink sips coffee, Hogan and Schultz remain in “quarantine” with him when Hochstetter bursts in.]
Hochstetter: (snarling) Klink! You idiot! The Rat Patrol escaped from the hotel! My men guarded them—coughing desert rats—and they vanished!
Klink: (calmly) Major, may I point out they were in Gestapo custody—not my camp. My record’s remains spotless.
Hochstetter: (fuming) Don’t lecture me! Troy, Moffitt—they slipped through my fingers!
Kink: Sir Doctor Voss confirmed the cases of Desert Plague before he left [Schultz rolls his eyes]
Hogan: Morning! Brilliant move, Major—letting them spread Desert Plague to the underground!
Hochstetter: (confused) What?
Hogan: (grinning) You don’t fool me Major. You let them loose on purpose—Your plan was to get the Underground infected with Desert Plague, maybe Africa next. Genius!
Klink: (eager) Yes, Major! Very clever—I’d never have thought of it!
Hochstetter: (suddenly smirking) Yes it was clever. If they reach Africa, Desert Plague could cripple the Allies! (struts out) Berlin might promote me for such a plan. Of course you never would have thought of it, Klink. I have to do EVERYTHING around here! [leaves slamming the door]
Klink: [Klink slumps, humiliated and sighing] He’s right. I’m useless…
Schultz: Oh No Herr Commandant.
Hogan: (patting shoulder) Cheer up, Kommandant. You ditched the Gestapo and the plague—total victory! Stalag 13’s never been safer.
Klink: (perking up) You’re right! No Gestapo, no plague—I am a genius!
Hogan: (deadpan) Absolutely, sir. They’ll write books about you.
Klink: (beaming) “Klink: The Unconquerable Kommandant”! (laughs as Schultz & Hogan look at each other dryly)
[Cut to North Africa. Troy, Moffitt, Hitchcock, and Tully sit by a campfire.]
Troy: (raising canteen) To Hogan—stuck it to the krauts!
Hitchcock: (laughing) Desert Plague? A riot!
Tully: (drawl) Hogan’s twisted.
Moffitt: (chuckling) Brilliant fiction—(suddenly pauses and makes a huge sneeze) Oh, dear.
[They freeze, exchange looks. Moffitt laughs nervously. Fade out with theme.]
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