AI Generated 1st Century Christians eating Bacon Strips
As a rule I don’t trust Grok for anything actually important or for opinions. The one time I did try to trust it to work on a baseball schedule for me it messed it up completely, when I pointed out the mistakes it apologized and made a new schedule with different mistakes till I just said forget it.
However it excels on stuff that isn’t important that can be funny. A few days ago I imagined Mel Brooks as the 2000 year old man explaining how BACON was the actual secret to the rise of Christianity.
Since Mel is actually nearing 2000 years old I figured he wasn’t up to doing it himself and Carl Reiner his straight man is suffering from a chronic case of death I decided that this was a task that Grok could do.
The result wasn’t perfect. Brooks’ 2000 year old man would never used “the interviewer’s” first name and and some of the jokes were a tad repetitive but what Grok spat out was not a bad first draft.
So if you’re curious (and even if you’re not) here it is:
My question to Grok:
based on the original 2000 year old man recordings staring Carl Reiner and Mel Brooks as the 2000 year man give me the script for a 3-6 minute exchange where Reiner questions Brooks on how Christianity ended so popular worldwide despite early persecution with Brooks final conclusion being it was all because of Bacon and how delicious it was.
Here is Grok’s answer unabridged:
Below is a 3-6 minute comedic script inspired by the style of Carl Reiner and Mel Brooks’ 2000 Year Old Man recordings. It captures their playful, improvisational dynamic, with Reiner as the straight-man interviewer and Brooks as the ancient, wisecracking 2000 Year Old Man. The exchange focuses on the rise of Christianity despite early persecution, culminating in Brooks’ absurd conclusion that bacon was the key to its success. The dialogue is written to feel spontaneous, peppered with Brooks’ characteristic Yiddish-inflected humor and Reiner’s dry probing, aiming for a runtime of roughly 4-5 minutes when performed at their typical pace.
Carl Reiner (Interviewer):Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, I’m here with the 2000 Year Old Man, a man who has lived through centuries of human history. Sir, you’ve seen empires rise and fall, religions come and go. I want to ask you about Christianity. It started as a small movement, heavily persecuted by the Romans, yet it spread across the world. How did it get so popular despite all that opposition?
Mel Brooks (2000 Year Old Man): (in a thick, gravelly Yiddish accent) Oh, Christianity, yeah, yeah, I was there! Persecution, schmecsecution! You wanna know the real story? It’s not what you think, Carl. It wasn’t the sermons, it wasn’t the miracles, it wasn’t even the “love thy neighbor” stuff—although that was a nice touch, very catchy. No, no, no. It was bacon.
Reiner:Bacon? Wait a minute, sir, are you saying—
Brooks:I’m saying bacon, Carl! B-A-C-O-N, bacon! The greatest food ever invented! You ever smell bacon frying? It’s like God himself is whispering in your nose, “Come to the kitchen, bubbeleh, I got something for ya!” That’s what got Christianity going. Forget the catacombs, forget the martyrs—this was a bacon-based operation.
Reiner:But sir, Christianity emerged from Judaism, which strictly forbids eating pork. How could bacon possibly—
Brooks: (interrupting) Forbidden, shmorbidden! Look, I was around, I saw it happen. Early Christians, they’re hiding in caves, they’re dodging lions, they’re whispering about salvation. But then, one day, some Roman convert—probably a guy named Tony, good guy, big schnoz—he says, “Fellas, I know we’re supposed to stick to the rules, but I snuck some bacon from the market.” And he fries it up. The smell, Carl! The smell! It wafted through the cave like a divine revelation. Suddenly, everybody’s like, “Jesus who? Pass the bacon!”
Reiner: (dryly) So you’re suggesting that the early Christians abandoned kosher dietary laws because of bacon?
Brooks:Abandoned? They didn’t abandon nothin’! They said, “Look, if God didn’t want us to eat bacon, why’d He make it so crispy and delicious?” It was a theological breakthrough! They’re sitting there, munching, and one guy—smart fella, probably a rabbi before he switched teams—he says, “This bacon is so good, we gotta spread this religion to everybody!” And that’s when they started proselytizing. They’d go to a village, hold up a strip of bacon, and say, “Join us, and you get this.” Boom! Converts left and right.
Reiner: But sir, the Romans were feeding Christians to lions! Surely bacon wasn’t enough to overcome that kind of persecution.
Brooks:Lions, shmions! You think a lion’s gonna scare a guy who’s tasted bacon? I saw it myself. A Christian gets thrown in the Colosseum, lion’s roaring, crowd’s cheering, and the Christian pulls out a little piece of bacon from his toga. He waves it at the lion—poof! Lion sits down, wags its tail like a puppy. The crowd goes nuts, they all convert on the spot. “We want what he’s got!” they’re yelling. Bacon was the ultimate PR move.
Reiner: (skeptical) So you’re saying the global spread of Christianity—across Europe, Asia, Africa—was driven by… bacon?
Brooks:Absolutely! Look,Carl, you gotta understand human nature. People don’t join a religion for fancy theology or eternal life—that’s all fine, but it’s abstract, it’s meshuggeh. Bacon is real. You bite it, it crunches, it melts in your mouth. By the time Christianity hit Constantinople, they were building churches with bacon stands out front. You think St. Peter’s Basilica got built on prayers alone? No, they had a bacon cart in the square—two strips for a denarius, best deal in Rome!
Reiner:But what about the spiritual aspects? The teachings of Jesus, the apostles, the—
Brooks: (interrupting) Spiritual, shmiritual! I’m telling ya, Carl, the apostles were smart. They knew bacon was their secret weapon. Paul? That guy was the bacon king! He’d walk into a town, preach a little, then hand out bacon samples. People’d say, “This guy’s got the truth—and a side of crispy!” By the time he left, half the town was Christian, and the other half was just waiting for the next bacon shipment.
Reiner: (deadpan) So your final conclusion is that Christianity’s worldwide success is due to bacon?
Brooks:Final conclusion? Carl, it’s the only conclusion! Bacon was the miracle nobody talks about. You wanna know why Christianity beat out the pagans, the Zoroastrians, the whatevers? Because nobody else had bacon. You try converting someone with a bowl of lentils—good luck! Bacon was the game-changer. And let me tell ya, Carl, to this day, every time I smell bacon frying, I think, “Those Christians, they knew what they were doing.” (pauses, dreamily) Mmm… bacon…
Reiner: (sighs) Thank you, 2000 Year Old Man. That’s… certainly a perspective. Ladies and gentlemen, we’ll be back with more insights from history—or at least, from the kitchen.
With a nod to the Babylon Bee who had the story first:
Well it’s playoff time again in our Dynasty 1973 league and we begin with the best of 3 series Wild card games
Indians 80-82 vs Twins 80-82 (Twins won season series 7-5)
For a while it wasn’t sure that the Indians would make the playoffs, the Yankees, Senators and A’s all made runs but they finished strong to secure a playoff spot.
As always they are led by their bash brothers Tony Perez (23 HR 114 RBI’s) and Sal Bando (28 HR 93 RBI’s) but they had a lot of help from Catcher George Mitterwald and Dave May who who both managed to add over 20 HR each (25 & 20) to be part of the power supply hit not to mention Mitterwald’s glove behind the plate and May’s 14 outfield assists to help things out. Their strength isn’t just the long ball. The team’s .261 avg lead the junior circuit. With Mark Belanger and Dave McAuliffe up the middle the defense is pretty solid. Of playoff teams only Cincinnati and Pittsburgh have better fielding stats than Cleveland.
On the Mound Jon Matlack has been the leader (22-11) but after that it becomes very ordinary with Mickey Lolich (10-15 5.17) , Bob Moose (6-12 4.83) and Steve Busby acquired from Cincy (4-8 4.89) all being very average. Only Alan Foster has an ERA below 4 and didn’t manage a winning record (9-11 3.82) On the plus side no AL team gave up less Home runs (102)
Secret Weapon: Dick McAuliffe who hit .556 with 17 RBI with the bases loaded
The Job is for Matlack to win his game and for the bats to come through for someone else can they do that vs the Twins?
Minnesota Twins 80-82
The Twins have one great bat in Al Oliver .300 27 HR 108 RBI and one very good bat in Richie Hebner (.282 21 HR 91 RBI) who have spent a lot of time driving in Bob Watson (91 Runs scored 90 walks). Oliver has also provided great defense with Bobby Grich taking plenty of hits away from left handed batters and Catcher Ray Fosse throwing out 14 of 21 trying to steal.
But the real strength of the Twins comes from their killer closer Sparky Lyle (7-1 0.86 ERA with 33 saves in 39 chances. Their starting rotation Ross Grimsley (11-10 3.63) , Dave McNally (15-15 3.92 ) and Doyle Alexander (11-9 4,28) have been very average but if they can get the ball to Lyle it’s pretty much all over. He has gotten some help from Cecil Upshaw who spent a fair time on the DL has come back to hold batters to a .214 avg with a WHIP of 0.94
Secret Weapon Lou Pinella who batted .314 with 6 HR and 21 RBI vs LHP
Peter’s Pick On paper the Indians offense outdoes the Twins particularly when facing avg pitching, They hit 50% more homers but Because Matlock pitched game 162 we’re not likely to see him for the opener and that means the twins get a shot against the tribe’s B team. Their pitching overall is practically equal other than the tribe being HR adverse. Logic and the overall stats says Cleveland takes the day but my gut tells me the Twins are able to get leads which means Sparky Lyle ends the discussion, if however they get to a game 3 then the Indians ace gives them an advantage but their closer Ray Corbin is 18 of 24 but I suspect the twins won’t let it get that far and their park doesn’t favor the long ball. Again all logic says otherwise but I’m going with my gut.
Twins in 2
Chicago Cubs 79-83 at Atlanta Bravos (Braves) (86-76) Season Series Even at 5-5
Chicago Cubs
Jeff Buroghes has come in to his own and Rusty Staub put up the best numbers of his career last season Danny Cater managed to hit .356 in 100 games. Meanwhile Steve Garvey put up solid numbers at the plate but exceptional numbers in the field (.994) but however good Garvey and Patek did in the field it pales before Tito Fuentes who has only committed a single error in over 1400 innings and 700+ chances. Everyone knows Freddie Patek is best known for his glove and only hit .210 but he also managed 10 triples to make his a danger to any pitcher and stole 11 bases in 13 chances.
On the mound Burt Hooton (14-10 3.10) and Rich Reuschel (13-10 3,13) have put up pretty good numbers for playing half the season in a hitter’s park and left Jerry Koosman’s 10-11 3.57 has been more than adequate but the bottom pair in the rotation Dick Tidrow (3-15) & Milt Pappas (6-10) have been horrible. Closer John Hiller has managed 26 saves in 34 chances holding hitters to a .199 avg. have combined fore a 9-25 record.
As for their fielding, the less said about the Cubs defense the better, the bad news is they were the 2nd worst fielding team in the majors, the good news is Atlanta was the worst.
Secret Weapon: Long ball averse. Desipte playing in one of the ultimate HR parks and playing all day games Cubs pitchers gave up only 108 HR this season. Only 3 teams gave up fewer
It’s a short series so the Cubs can keep Tidrow & Pappas for garbage time, will that be enough to win?
Atlanta Bravos (Braves)
Last season Atlanta was favored to go to the series but was eliminated early. While they weren’t able to repeat the division they had a strong season despite Dick Allen spending most of it on the DL or on KC. Caesar Cedeno picked up the slack with a triple crown quality line .324 39 HR 110 RBI but after him while many players had respectable number from Al Kaline: (.275 12 HR 58 RBI) to Dusty Baker (.254 19 HR 87 RBI) nobody else brought star power at the bat although Paul Schaal hit .294 and scored 94 runs
The stars were on the mount with Catfish Hunter (16-11 3.25) & Fergie Jenkins (21-16 3.45) giving a powerful 1-2 punch with Rollie Fingers picking up 18 saves and 8 wins with an ERA of 2.80 (along with starting two games). Despite blowing 5 of 7 save chances workhorse reliever Tom HIlgendorf went 11-5 and put in over 100 innings on the mound.
In the field the Bravos were the single worst fielding team in all the majors which makes the performances of Hunter and Jenkins even more impressive.
Secret weapon: Norm Cash hit .294 with runners in scoring position and two outs alas he now plays for KC.
Peter’s pick. At first glance the Braves would seem to have the advantage based on their overall record and their 1-2 punch on the mound but the Cubs top 3 are almost as good and managed to give up over 50 fewer HR’s as a team. Combine this with Dick Allen not expected to be back until late in the next series and it seems to me we’re going to have at least one more day playoff game once this series is over.
Ok let me start this post with the following declaration that I made on twitter yesterday:
I don’t regret my support for either @tedcruz in 2016 or @RonDeSantis in 2024 both of who would have been fine @POTUS But @realDonaldTrump has by any measure been the best president of my lifetime & one of the most successful presidents of all time. I think today he passed TR
Donald Trump by the passage of his “big beautiful bill” has defied all the odds and all the media predictions that it would fail, which in itself is a lot of fun but for me the big beautiful chocolate on top (I don’t like cherries) is the defunding of Planned Parenthood. Coupled with the repeal of Roe vs Wade with Dobbs vs Jackson during the Biden years by a count with three Trump appointees on it this is a stake through the heart for the Abortion industry in America, the single most evil practice that this country has ever embraced.
That being the case this is an excellent time to remind you of the prophecy of the Hermit of Loreto
The Hermit of Loreto was a man by the name of Tom Zimmer who lived a pious life of prayer in in Loreto. He was one of the co-authors of the famous Pieta Prayer Book one of the most popular collections of Catholic Prayers available out there. He was a person who went to multiple masses each day. I posted about this after Roe was overturned:
Capoverdi asked him in English if he was Thomas [Zimmer], and the two had a delightful conversation. When Trump was elected, Dr. Curran called and told him that, back in the 1980s, Tom Zimmer said he had received a “premonition” and that “a certain man would lead America back to God”—and that man would be none other than Donald J. Trump.
“The millionaire playboy from New York?” the incredulous doctor is said to have asked Zimmer.
“Yes,” the Hermit of Loreto responded, adding he was so sure Donald Trump would become a great spiritual leader of America that he wrote his name on a brick and had it placed in the reconstruction of St. Peter’s Holy Door after the Jubilee so Trump would receive blessings from the many Masses that would be said in the Vatican.
The Youtube video is here:
At the time this came out this was evaluated:
After investigating Zimmer, Thomas wrote, “I have no reason to doubt Capoverdi’s statements that Thomas Zimmer communicated to his friend that he received a ‘premonition’ that Donald Trump would ‘lead America back to God.’” He explained that discerning the validity of a prophecy involves evaluating three elements: the prophet’s character, the prophecy’s alignment with Scripture and church teachings, and its ultimate fulfillment.
To the first point, Thomas observed, “Was the prophet a good and virtuous person? Zimmer was.” For the second, he noted, “There is nothing scriptural or in church teachings that would suggest that a political leader cannot lead people to God; on the contrary, Scripture indicates it as a duty.”
Lastly, Thomas acknowledged the importance of whether a prophecy comes true. He added that evidence of Zimmer’s faith in his prophecy could lie in searching for the brick bearing Trump’s name at St. Peter’s door. Thomas concluded, “Here we must wait and see if that happens, but I’m sure whether or not Trump leads America back to God will be open to dispute and interpretation.”
Now I have met people of extraordinary faith and devotion and Mr. Zimmer certainly qualifies. If someone like HE had told me that twenty years ago I would have filed it away in my head and watched because if there is one thing that you can say about God is that he routinely uses that last person you would ever expect from David the young shepherd to Saul of Tarsus the proud Pharisee to bring about extraordinary things. (Trump of course would be more Saul – Paul then David.)
But let’s be blunt I’m VERY catholic so when a person of deep faith says something like this I take it seriously but for most people if someone told them twenty years ago that Donald Trump (whose wife IS a devout Catholic but he is NOT catholic at all) would be responsible for:
The overturning of Roe vs Wade
The Defunding of Planned Parenthood
They would have been thought of him as some kind of nut and if you were a leftist supporter of Planned Parenthood and was told this you would have taken one look at Trump’s history as fell down on the floor laughing
The “kill the babies” left isn’t laughing now, but I suspect Mr. Zimmer, the Hermit of Loreto is smiling and nodding.
Update: I know this has nothing to do with this post but this is now my favorite audio file: the Catholic version of the famous: “What is best in life?” clip:
Thus the word of the LORD came to me: Son of man, I have appointed you a watchman for the house of Israel. When you hear a word from my mouth, you shall warn them for me.
If I say to the wicked man, You shall surely die; and you do not warn him or speak out to dissuade him from his wicked conduct so that he may live: that wicked man shall die for his sin, but I will hold you responsible for his death.
If, on the other hand, you have warned the wicked man, yet he has not turned away from his evil nor from his wicked conduct, then he shall die for his sin, but you shall save your life.
Oh and while we’re in ordinary time celebrate when you have an extraordinary priest who loves you like this one.
furthermore it's the priest's job to help save his soul, if he chooses the world over Christ that's on him but if the priest doesn't warn him, then as mentioned in the book of Ezekiel he'll be held responsible Scripture 101#catholic
The MP in question complained online not realizing that the priest was doing an act of love for him.
My congratulations for having a priest who is so concerned about your soul that he avoids having you commit mortal sin even when he knows it will bring him trouble and grief on a nationwide scale.
Remember a faith or a morality that only exists when convenient isn’t much of one. To quote C.S. Lewis Pilate wanted to show mercy, until it became risky.
