Da Techguy's (no longer backup) Blog

James McCandles: Do this, do that! I’m gonna do whatever I want!

Sam Sharpnose: You do what he tells you, every time he tells you and we might come through this alive! Might even save the boy. Otherwise you’re gonna get yourself killed. Don’t matter to me, but you’ll probably get him killed too, and that does.

Big Jake 1971

This is one piece of advice that is completely conditional for several reasons:

• 1. Many people are getting married later so it is very possible that their parents are no longer alive.
• 2. In this era many people have divorced parents separated by distance or come from a single parent household and never knew one of them.

Nevertheless if you are in a position to get the advice of a parent by all means take it.

Your parents whether successful or not in marriage themselves not only bring years of life experience to the table but are a source of unconditional love and support.  There are going to be times when you need to vent in a marriage and such venting is best with a person with more life experience than you.

Thanks to current technology you are in a position to speak to parents “face to face” on a daily basis in a way that couples in the past can not. Of course if they live close enough to be directly engaged with your family on a regular basis it is even better.

Parents are the best choice, they can see things from outside of a circle of friends, furthermore they are less likely to have a side agenda that they are trying to promote.

Your parents want your life to work, let them help you.

A final thought, if for whatever reason parents are unavailable or inappropriate for such advice, an older Uncle or Aunt can serve this function.

The 30 Tips to Say Married 30 years so far

• #1 Choose Wisely
• #2 A Long Engagement
• #3 Get Married in Church
• #4 Don’t Write Your Own Vows
• #5 Set Limits Early
• $6 Live Modestly
• #7 Embrace Your Mother-In-Law

Mr. Cornblow: [To the camera after the sheikh’s 28 gorgeous wives exit the bridal tent] Just remember every single one of those girls has a mother.

Groucho Marx of The Marx Brothers A Night in Casablanca 1946 (deleted scene)

One of the first bits of advice I remember hearing on marriage came when I was a little kid talking to my Dad.  He had told me that when he got married his father told him to make sure he treated his mother-in-law better than he treated his mother.

He lived this out   In 1968 he moved out of the neighborhood full of his family to build next door to his newly widowed mother-in-law and helped take care of her as needed till the day she died.

Now you don’t have to go to this extreme but that advice remains good.

Remember your spouse’s family is a part of them, the better your relationship with them the better your relationship will be with him or her.  There are a valuable source of information about what your spouse likes and dislikes if you want to set up a surprise or avoid offense.  Furthermore unless there is a specific break those parents are likely the folks they will confide in case of trouble so they will likely indirectly clue you in if there is an issue that is a potential time bomb that you might be completely oblivious to.

And of course the better your relationship with your in-laws the more active they are likely to be when the children come along.  Grandparents who are present and visible not only makes child rearing easier but will make for happier children.

Now there are some caveats here, if there is a big rift between your spouse and the folks then you have to thread carefully.  If there is a divorce involved while you want to embrace both parents and/or step parents the advantages I speak of will only apply to the parent the spouse is close to and you want to be careful to be not to choose a side that will cause a split with your spouse.

Either way the old saying runs through, you ARE marrying the family when you marry so it behooves you to do your best to make not only a happy home but a happy extended family.

Your spouse will thank you for it…maybe even for 30 years.

The 30 Tips to Say Married 30 years so far

• #1 Choose Wisely
• #2 A Long Engagement
• #3 Get Married in Church
• #4 Don’t Write Your Own Vows
• #5 Set Limits Early
• $6 Live Modestly

Mr. Potter: Now let’s look at your side. A young man, twenty-seven, twenty-eight, married, making, say, forty a week.

George Bailey: Forty-five!

Mr. Potter: Forty-five. Forty-five. Out of which, after supporting your mother and paying your bills, you’re able to keep, say, ten, if you skimp. A child or two comes along and you won’t even be able to save the ten.

It’s a Wonderful Life 1946

There is a real trap that takes place early in marriage you’ve just come off a honeymoon. You’ve been showered with gifts and unlike year past you likely have two incomes coming in instead of one. It’s very easy with a start like this to begin living high or at least higher than you did before.

This is a trap worth dodging and that’s done by living modestly.

Early in the marriage is the time to build that nest egg for those inevitable expenses that will come. If you have some left over cash from the wedding, pay down or off your credit cards. If you don’t concentrate on eliminating any existing debts that you brought with you. The fastest way to get rich is to leave below your means, that’s also the fastest way to get out of debt.

If you were in the habit of eating out three times a week, make it two instead. Did you go out for lunch at work regularly, take a lunch instead. Put off that latest iPhone or TV upgrade or that new car and don’t worry what your neighbors or friends have. Do half of what you’re used to doing (and make that half count) and put that money aside.

Once your debts are gone build your savings. Get that first thousand in the bank and once it becomes two put that 2nd thousand in a CD and keep doing it. If you get a raise at work put that increase directly into savings, save up for that house and once you get that mortgage put an extra hundred or two toward it.

Money Problems are one of the most common sources of tension in marriage and will stalk a couple like a wolf at the door. Living modestly will keep that wolf at bay.

The 30 Tips to Say Married 30 years so far

• #1 Choose Wisely
• #2 A Long Engagement
• #3 Get Married in Church
• #4 Don’t Write Your Own Vows
• #5 Set Limits Early

Tommy: She said I could have one if it was dusty.

Mac: Wife don’t like him to drink.

Jimmy Ringo: Don’t blame her….[pleasant conversation as they drink together] That’s fine, have one with me

Tommy: No thanks. ONE is what she said

The Gunfighter 1950

This one is very hard.

There are certain things that are important to individuals for whatever reason, either they value them or they hate them with a passion.

These things develop over our youth and by the time we’re getting married they are ingrained, sometimes to a degree where we think Of COURSE everyone feels the same way.

It can be a thing as simple as putting pans away a certain way or as complicated as an annual pilgrimage. With my brother Tony it was clothes, he told his wife to be in no uncertain clothes that nobody washed clothes but him, but whatever it is, you need to discuss it with your fiancée /wife/husband. Before marriage is best but if you wait till after the nuptials do it quick.

The sooner these limits are set the less likely they will fester into resentment and if for some reason this contradicts something important to your spouse it’s best to get it out there early while still in the throes of the enchantment of new marriage when you are likely to resolve it, than to have it out when that factor is no longer there and you’ve had years of silence breeding resentment that will burst out when you’re angry.

It will pay off in the long run, my brother Tony will be married 48 years all of which involved him doing the laundry to his wife’s delight.

Previously in 30 tips to stay married 30 years:

• 1 Choose Wisely
• #2 A Long Engagement
• #3 Get Married in Church
• #4 Don’t Write Your Own Vows