AI Generated 1st Century Christians eating Bacon Strips
As a rule I don’t trust Grok for anything actually important or for opinions. The one time I did try to trust it to work on a baseball schedule for me it messed it up completely, when I pointed out the mistakes it apologized and made a new schedule with different mistakes till I just said forget it.
However it excels on stuff that isn’t important that can be funny. A few days ago I imagined Mel Brooks as the 2000 year old man explaining how BACON was the actual secret to the rise of Christianity.
Since Mel is actually nearing 2000 years old I figured he wasn’t up to doing it himself and Carl Reiner his straight man is suffering from a chronic case of death I decided that this was a task that Grok could do.
The result wasn’t perfect. Brooks’ 2000 year old man would never used “the interviewer’s” first name and and some of the jokes were a tad repetitive but what Grok spat out was not a bad first draft.
So if you’re curious (and even if you’re not) here it is:
My question to Grok:
based on the original 2000 year old man recordings staring Carl Reiner and Mel Brooks as the 2000 year man give me the script for a 3-6 minute exchange where Reiner questions Brooks on how Christianity ended so popular worldwide despite early persecution with Brooks final conclusion being it was all because of Bacon and how delicious it was.
Here is Grok’s answer unabridged:
Below is a 3-6 minute comedic script inspired by the style of Carl Reiner and Mel Brooks’ 2000 Year Old Man recordings. It captures their playful, improvisational dynamic, with Reiner as the straight-man interviewer and Brooks as the ancient, wisecracking 2000 Year Old Man. The exchange focuses on the rise of Christianity despite early persecution, culminating in Brooks’ absurd conclusion that bacon was the key to its success. The dialogue is written to feel spontaneous, peppered with Brooks’ characteristic Yiddish-inflected humor and Reiner’s dry probing, aiming for a runtime of roughly 4-5 minutes when performed at their typical pace.
Carl Reiner (Interviewer):Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, I’m here with the 2000 Year Old Man, a man who has lived through centuries of human history. Sir, you’ve seen empires rise and fall, religions come and go. I want to ask you about Christianity. It started as a small movement, heavily persecuted by the Romans, yet it spread across the world. How did it get so popular despite all that opposition?
Mel Brooks (2000 Year Old Man): (in a thick, gravelly Yiddish accent) Oh, Christianity, yeah, yeah, I was there! Persecution, schmecsecution! You wanna know the real story? It’s not what you think, Carl. It wasn’t the sermons, it wasn’t the miracles, it wasn’t even the “love thy neighbor” stuff—although that was a nice touch, very catchy. No, no, no. It was bacon.
Reiner:Bacon? Wait a minute, sir, are you saying—
Brooks:I’m saying bacon, Carl! B-A-C-O-N, bacon! The greatest food ever invented! You ever smell bacon frying? It’s like God himself is whispering in your nose, “Come to the kitchen, bubbeleh, I got something for ya!” That’s what got Christianity going. Forget the catacombs, forget the martyrs—this was a bacon-based operation.
Reiner:But sir, Christianity emerged from Judaism, which strictly forbids eating pork. How could bacon possibly—
Brooks: (interrupting) Forbidden, shmorbidden! Look, I was around, I saw it happen. Early Christians, they’re hiding in caves, they’re dodging lions, they’re whispering about salvation. But then, one day, some Roman convert—probably a guy named Tony, good guy, big schnoz—he says, “Fellas, I know we’re supposed to stick to the rules, but I snuck some bacon from the market.” And he fries it up. The smell, Carl! The smell! It wafted through the cave like a divine revelation. Suddenly, everybody’s like, “Jesus who? Pass the bacon!”
Reiner: (dryly) So you’re suggesting that the early Christians abandoned kosher dietary laws because of bacon?
Brooks:Abandoned? They didn’t abandon nothin’! They said, “Look, if God didn’t want us to eat bacon, why’d He make it so crispy and delicious?” It was a theological breakthrough! They’re sitting there, munching, and one guy—smart fella, probably a rabbi before he switched teams—he says, “This bacon is so good, we gotta spread this religion to everybody!” And that’s when they started proselytizing. They’d go to a village, hold up a strip of bacon, and say, “Join us, and you get this.” Boom! Converts left and right.
Reiner: But sir, the Romans were feeding Christians to lions! Surely bacon wasn’t enough to overcome that kind of persecution.
Brooks:Lions, shmions! You think a lion’s gonna scare a guy who’s tasted bacon? I saw it myself. A Christian gets thrown in the Colosseum, lion’s roaring, crowd’s cheering, and the Christian pulls out a little piece of bacon from his toga. He waves it at the lion—poof! Lion sits down, wags its tail like a puppy. The crowd goes nuts, they all convert on the spot. “We want what he’s got!” they’re yelling. Bacon was the ultimate PR move.
Reiner: (skeptical) So you’re saying the global spread of Christianity—across Europe, Asia, Africa—was driven by… bacon?
Brooks:Absolutely! Look,Carl, you gotta understand human nature. People don’t join a religion for fancy theology or eternal life—that’s all fine, but it’s abstract, it’s meshuggeh. Bacon is real. You bite it, it crunches, it melts in your mouth. By the time Christianity hit Constantinople, they were building churches with bacon stands out front. You think St. Peter’s Basilica got built on prayers alone? No, they had a bacon cart in the square—two strips for a denarius, best deal in Rome!
Reiner:But what about the spiritual aspects? The teachings of Jesus, the apostles, the—
Brooks: (interrupting) Spiritual, shmiritual! I’m telling ya, Carl, the apostles were smart. They knew bacon was their secret weapon. Paul? That guy was the bacon king! He’d walk into a town, preach a little, then hand out bacon samples. People’d say, “This guy’s got the truth—and a side of crispy!” By the time he left, half the town was Christian, and the other half was just waiting for the next bacon shipment.
Reiner: (deadpan) So your final conclusion is that Christianity’s worldwide success is due to bacon?
Brooks:Final conclusion? Carl, it’s the only conclusion! Bacon was the miracle nobody talks about. You wanna know why Christianity beat out the pagans, the Zoroastrians, the whatevers? Because nobody else had bacon. You try converting someone with a bowl of lentils—good luck! Bacon was the game-changer. And let me tell ya, Carl, to this day, every time I smell bacon frying, I think, “Those Christians, they knew what they were doing.” (pauses, dreamily) Mmm… bacon…
Reiner: (sighs) Thank you, 2000 Year Old Man. That’s… certainly a perspective. Ladies and gentlemen, we’ll be back with more insights from history—or at least, from the kitchen.
With a nod to the Babylon Bee who had the story first:
Well it’s playoff time again in our Dynasty 1973 league and we begin with the best of 3 series Wild card games
Indians 80-82 vs Twins 80-82 (Twins won season series 7-5)
For a while it wasn’t sure that the Indians would make the playoffs, the Yankees, Senators and A’s all made runs but they finished strong to secure a playoff spot.
As always they are led by their bash brothers Tony Perez (23 HR 114 RBI’s) and Sal Bando (28 HR 93 RBI’s) but they had a lot of help from Catcher George Mitterwald and Dave May who who both managed to add over 20 HR each (25 & 20) to be part of the power supply hit not to mention Mitterwald’s glove behind the plate and May’s 14 outfield assists to help things out. Their strength isn’t just the long ball. The team’s .261 avg lead the junior circuit. With Mark Belanger and Dave McAuliffe up the middle the defense is pretty solid. Of playoff teams only Cincinnati and Pittsburgh have better fielding stats than Cleveland.
On the Mound Jon Matlack has been the leader (22-11) but after that it becomes very ordinary with Mickey Lolich (10-15 5.17) , Bob Moose (6-12 4.83) and Steve Busby acquired from Cincy (4-8 4.89) all being very average. Only Alan Foster has an ERA below 4 and didn’t manage a winning record (9-11 3.82) On the plus side no AL team gave up less Home runs (102)
Secret Weapon: Dick McAuliffe who hit .556 with 17 RBI with the bases loaded
The Job is for Matlack to win his game and for the bats to come through for someone else can they do that vs the Twins?
Minnesota Twins 80-82
The Twins have one great bat in Al Oliver .300 27 HR 108 RBI and one very good bat in Richie Hebner (.282 21 HR 91 RBI) who have spent a lot of time driving in Bob Watson (91 Runs scored 90 walks). Oliver has also provided great defense with Bobby Grich taking plenty of hits away from left handed batters and Catcher Ray Fosse throwing out 14 of 21 trying to steal.
But the real strength of the Twins comes from their killer closer Sparky Lyle (7-1 0.86 ERA with 33 saves in 39 chances. Their starting rotation Ross Grimsley (11-10 3.63) , Dave McNally (15-15 3.92 ) and Doyle Alexander (11-9 4,28) have been very average but if they can get the ball to Lyle it’s pretty much all over. He has gotten some help from Cecil Upshaw who spent a fair time on the DL has come back to hold batters to a .214 avg with a WHIP of 0.94
Secret Weapon Lou Pinella who batted .314 with 6 HR and 21 RBI vs LHP
Peter’s Pick On paper the Indians offense outdoes the Twins particularly when facing avg pitching, They hit 50% more homers but Because Matlock pitched game 162 we’re not likely to see him for the opener and that means the twins get a shot against the tribe’s B team. Their pitching overall is practically equal other than the tribe being HR adverse. Logic and the overall stats says Cleveland takes the day but my gut tells me the Twins are able to get leads which means Sparky Lyle ends the discussion, if however they get to a game 3 then the Indians ace gives them an advantage but their closer Ray Corbin is 18 of 24 but I suspect the twins won’t let it get that far and their park doesn’t favor the long ball. Again all logic says otherwise but I’m going with my gut.
Twins in 2
Chicago Cubs 79-83 at Atlanta Bravos (Braves) (86-76) Season Series Even at 5-5
Chicago Cubs
Jeff Buroghes has come in to his own and Rusty Staub put up the best numbers of his career last season Danny Cater managed to hit .356 in 100 games. Meanwhile Steve Garvey put up solid numbers at the plate but exceptional numbers in the field (.994) but however good Garvey and Patek did in the field it pales before Tito Fuentes who has only committed a single error in over 1400 innings and 700+ chances. Everyone knows Freddie Patek is best known for his glove and only hit .210 but he also managed 10 triples to make his a danger to any pitcher and stole 11 bases in 13 chances.
On the mound Burt Hooton (14-10 3.10) and Rich Reuschel (13-10 3,13) have put up pretty good numbers for playing half the season in a hitter’s park and left Jerry Koosman’s 10-11 3.57 has been more than adequate but the bottom pair in the rotation Dick Tidrow (3-15) & Milt Pappas (6-10) have been horrible. Closer John Hiller has managed 26 saves in 34 chances holding hitters to a .199 avg. have combined fore a 9-25 record.
As for their fielding, the less said about the Cubs defense the better, the bad news is they were the 2nd worst fielding team in the majors, the good news is Atlanta was the worst.
Secret Weapon: Long ball averse. Desipte playing in one of the ultimate HR parks and playing all day games Cubs pitchers gave up only 108 HR this season. Only 3 teams gave up fewer
It’s a short series so the Cubs can keep Tidrow & Pappas for garbage time, will that be enough to win?
Atlanta Bravos (Braves)
Last season Atlanta was favored to go to the series but was eliminated early. While they weren’t able to repeat the division they had a strong season despite Dick Allen spending most of it on the DL or on KC. Caesar Cedeno picked up the slack with a triple crown quality line .324 39 HR 110 RBI but after him while many players had respectable number from Al Kaline: (.275 12 HR 58 RBI) to Dusty Baker (.254 19 HR 87 RBI) nobody else brought star power at the bat although Paul Schaal hit .294 and scored 94 runs
The stars were on the mount with Catfish Hunter (16-11 3.25) & Fergie Jenkins (21-16 3.45) giving a powerful 1-2 punch with Rollie Fingers picking up 18 saves and 8 wins with an ERA of 2.80 (along with starting two games). Despite blowing 5 of 7 save chances workhorse reliever Tom HIlgendorf went 11-5 and put in over 100 innings on the mound.
In the field the Bravos were the single worst fielding team in all the majors which makes the performances of Hunter and Jenkins even more impressive.
Secret weapon: Norm Cash hit .294 with runners in scoring position and two outs alas he now plays for KC.
Peter’s pick. At first glance the Braves would seem to have the advantage based on their overall record and their 1-2 punch on the mound but the Cubs top 3 are almost as good and managed to give up over 50 fewer HR’s as a team. Combine this with Dick Allen not expected to be back until late in the next series and it seems to me we’re going to have at least one more day playoff game once this series is over.
It’s amazing watching Donald Trump constantly owning the MSM during hostile interviews.
What a difference when you don’t need them for exposure.
During the Biden years it was constant that various figures kept coming in lower than “expert” expectations, and then were revised down months later.
We’re only 3 months into Trump and already we’ve had two months of Trump beating “expert” expectations.
And no I’m not sick of winning.
The funniest thing about the Trump as Pope thing isn’t JD. Vance’s excellent response to Bill Kristol.
The funniest thing about the Trump as Pope thing is the people acting the most insulted are those who hate the church the most.
Not any outrage over Washington state passing a law to violate the seal of confession but a Trump as Pope image, vapors!
I might be in the minority here but I think this season of Doctor Who has been surprisingly good.
There hasn’t been a lot of preaching or woke just stories and when Davies team decides they want to tell a good story they are certainly capable of doing so.
Let’s hope this continues.
Finally I haven’t written much about my 1973 baseball league but with 57 games to go I find myself two games up leading my division thanks to a 7-3 run by me and a 1-9 run by the team that was ahead of me.
In the 5 years of our league no team has ever repeated as a division winner although a few have managed to make the playoffs in multiple years in a row. This difficulty is by design is VERY unusual for a team to repeat in this league
Mind you every other division winner has a better record than me as do 2 wild card teams so if I hold on I don’t know if I’ll get anywhere but still, not bad at all!
You might recall a while back I used to do 100 word fan fiction post and did a three post story about the Rat Patrol being captured and sent to the toughest POW camp in Germany.
Well thanks to the wonders of AI instead and several touches of my own my 300 word is now a the full script titled: The Desert Rats Great escape:
Act 1: The Rats Arrive
[Scene: Stalag 13 courtyard, morning roll call. Klink stands smugly as Schultz counts the prisoners. Hogan lounges with LeBeau, Newkirk, Carter, and Kinch.]
Klink: (beaming) Another perfect roll call, Schultz! No escapes, no disturbances. Stalag 13 remains the jewel of the Luftwaffe’s prison system!
Schultz:Ja, Herr Kommandant. All present—except the new prisoners arriving today.
Hogan: (raising an eyebrow) New prisoners, huh? Anyone we should roll out the red carpet for?
Klink: (puffing up) Hardly, Hogan. Four troublemakers from some Allied desert unit. Caught blowing up Rommel’s supply lines! They’ll find Stalag 13 less… explosive.
[A backround drum roll begins as A truck rumbles in. Troy, Moffitt, Hitchcock, and Tully climb out, dusty and defiant in tattered desert gear, hands bound.]
Troy: (to Moffitt) Traded sand for barbed wire. Any bright ideas, Professor?
Moffitt: (dryly) A bit far from a jeep and a machine gun, old chap.
Hitchcock: (chewing gum) Aw, man, I knew we should’ve taken that left at Tunis.
Tully: (toothpick in mouth) Least the food’s gotta beat sand and lizards.
Hogan: (whispering to Kinch) These guys have seen action. If they brought them all the way up here they must have some intel.
Kinch: (nodding) North Africa? Could be Rommel’s next move.
Hogan: (whispering to Kinch) Kinch contact London let them know about the latest guests to Klink’s pleasure palace.
[Schultz marches the Rat Patrol to barracks 4. Hogan and Troy exchange a quick, knowing nod soldier to soldier.]
Act 2: The Plan Takes Shape
[Scene: view of commandant Klink’s roof Kinch is razing the antenna and it goes up from the flagpole. Flash over to Hogan’s quarters. The team gathers around the as Kinch tunes reports the reply from London.]
Kinch: Here you go Col, London wants the boys out.
Hogan: [reading message] Urgent: Free the captured Rat Patrol. They carry vital intelligence on Axis troop movements.
Meanwhile from the coffee pot they hear Klink speaking to Major Hochstetter on the phone that the Gestapo en route to Stalag 13 to question the rats.
Hogan: (grinning) VIPs to spring, boys. Ideas?
LeBeau: (indignant) They’re filthy! Clean them up, dress them as Luftwaffe officers, march them out!
Newkirk: (smirking) Nah, fake a tunnel collapse. Klink thinks they’re dead, we smuggle ‘em out.
Carter: (excited) Yeah! Explosives—uh, no, that’d ruin Klink’s record. Never mind.
Hogan: (pacing) You’re all close, we need a swap—four bodies for four bodies, no escape on Klink’s watch.
Kinch: (grinning) Like the mannequins from the tailor shop?
Hogan:Live volunteers this time. Let’s meet our guests.
[Cut to Barracks 4 Troy sharpens a spoon into a shiv, Moffitt sketches a map in the dirt, Hitchcock paces, Tully naps.] Hogan comes to the door stopped by Schultz]
Schultz:Halt! Orders from the commandant. Nobody is to see these prisoners.
Hogan:As senior POW officer I’m allowed to see any prisoner at any time.
Schultz:I have my orders direct from the Kommandant nobody is to enter these barracks… [Hogan takes out three candy bars from his pocket]…for more than 10 minutes. [He stands aside and let’s Hogan pass]
Hogan: [Opening the door casual] walks in the group eyes him with suspicion] Evening, gentlemen. Rat Patrol, right? Nice work out there.
Troy: (wary) Who’s asking?
Hogan:Colonel Robert Hogan, senior POW officer.
Tully: They haven’t given anyone access to us. You walked in here pretty easy.
Hitchcock:Yeah that guard folded pretty easy.
Hogan: Schultz? He’s been house trained for a while. We’ve been in contact with London We’ve been ordered to spring you. We’re your ticket out—if you’re game.
Moffitt: (intrigued) London? Escape? Without digging through frozen soil, I hope?
Hogan: (smirking) Digging’s overrated. How’s playing dead sound?
[The Rats look at each other as the scene fades]
Act 2.5: The Gestapo Grilling
[Scene: Klink’s office, late afternoon. Hochstetter paces before the Rat Patrol, bound in chairs. Klink fidgets at his desk, Hogan leans against the wall, Schultz sweats by the door.]
Hochstetter: (snarling) The infamous Rat Patrol! You’ll tell me everything you’ve learned about —Rommel’s routes, your contacts—or it’s Berlin in chains!
Troy: (coolly) Troy, Sergeant, U.S. Army. That’s it, pal.
Moffitt: (calmly) Sergeant Jack Moffitt, British 8th Army Long Range desert group. My knowledge is sand dunes and Bedouin folk songs. Care for a rendition?
Hogan: (grinning) Careful, Major, he might serenade you right into the Sahara!
Hochstetter: (louder at Klink) What is this man doing here?
Klink: (stammering) Assisting, Major! The Geneva convention…—
Hochstetter: (to Klink) Geneva convention? This is a Gestapo interrogation! (Turning to Hitchcock) You—chewing gum like a cowboy! What do you know?
Hitchcock: (grinning, popping gum) Private Mark Hitchcock. Drive fast, shoot straight, don’t like you.
Hochstetter: (to Tully) And this one—silent, chewing a toothpick!
Tully: (drawl) Private Tully Pettigrew. Long way from Kentucky to this dump.
Hochstetter: (slamming Klink’s desk) Enough! Klink, they’re dangerous! I want them in Gestapo custody by morning!
Klink: (stammering) But Herr Major given my no escape record—
Hogan: Yup they’d never get out of the Iron Colonel hands
Hochstetter: (screaming) WHAT IS THIS MAN DOING HERE?!?
Hogan: (shrugging) Admiring your volume, Major. But these guys look rough—Desert fever’s contagious. Want that in Berlin?
Hochstetter: (screaming) Desert fever?
Klink: (flinching covering his face) Desert Fever, in my camp?
Troy: (Catching on , coughing) Been feeling hot lately. (nudges Moffitt)
Schultz: (panicked) Oh no! Herr Kommandant will have my head! Infirmary, schnell!
[Meanwhile in Barracks 4 a stove moves aside and to the Amazement of the Rats Newkirk and Carter enter from below along with four of Hogan men. The four switch clothes with the rats who go down the tunnel where they are trying on Gestapo guard uniforms made/stolen by Newkirk.]
Troy: (adjusting cap) This kraut gear itches worse than sand fleas.
Hitchcock: (grinning) Beats a Gestapo cell, Sarge.
[In the infirmary, Klink arrives as Hogan spins a tale.]
Hogan: (solemn) Bad news, Kommandant. Rare North African fever—contagious. Quarantine’s the only way.
Klink: (horrified) Contagious? In my camp? Out of the question!Get those Desert rats in here at once!
Act 3.5: The Desert Plague Deception
[Scene: Klink’s office, late evening. Klink sips schnapps, Schultz polishes his rifle. The phone rings.]
Klink: (nervous) Stalag 13, Klink—oh, Major Hochstetter! Yes, they’re in the infirmary—
Hochstetter: (sharp) My medical team’s coming to your camp. We’ve sent for Dr. Heinrich Voss from Berlin a specialist in desert diseases. He will come with his own guard and have full authority to decide what to do with these men.I want them in Gestapo custody by midnight!
Klink:Of course, he will have my fullest corporation Major.
Hochstetter:And I warn you If this is a trick, Klink, you’re done! (slams phone)
Klink: (muttering) Why me?
Schultz: (nervous) Should I check them, Herr Kommandant?
Klink: (snapping) No, stay here! I need company for my misery!
[Cut to Hogan’s quarters. Kinch relays the call.]
Hogan: (grinning) Gestapo medical team and a doctor with his own guards? We’ll arrange for the underwound to intercept Voss and his guards. Newkirk, you’re Voss. Rats, you’re his guards. Underground raids the hotel, you ‘chase’ them out. Kinch, prep the tunnel for our boys.
Newkirk: (smirking) Dr. Voss, eh? What’s the disease?
Hogan:Desert Plague—scary and contagious.
[Scene shifts to the infirmary. Newkirk, as “Dr. Voss” with mustache and medical bag, enters. Hogan’s disguised men groan as “patients.” The real Rat Patrol stand as “guards.” Klink and Schultz hover.]
Newkirk: (thick accent) Dr. Heinrich Voss, Berlin! Heil Hitler.
Klink:Heil Hitler! [The disguised Rat Patrol make a crisp Nazi salute]
Newkirk: (pretends to examine the phony Rat Patrol and gives a dramatic look of Horror!) Nein, zis is not Desert Fever. It is Desert Plague! The Rarest, most contagious Sahara disease—fever, delirium, wildfire spread!
Klink: (pale) Plague?!
Schultz: (wide-eyed) I feel a cough already!
Newkirk: (stern) Too sick for Gestapo HQ—catastrophic risk! Quarantine at Hammelburg hotel. Civilians are expendable. Extra guards for security! (nods to “guards”—real Rats)
Klink: (panicking) But Major Hochstetter wanted them by midnight—
Newkirk: (cutting in) He’ll thank me vhen he’s not infected! Schultz, load zem—carefully!And I want you can Col Klink to remain in his office until further notice.
Schultz:JaVol Herr Doctor, [as he leads them out to the truck he notices Voss looks rather familiar Newkirk winks at Schultz as he leaves with “patients” and “guards.”]
Schultz: (spinning away) I see nothing! I know nothing!
[The truck departs with Hogan’s men (“patients”), the Rat Patrol (“guards”), and Newkirk. At the hotel, underground “raids the place, the fake rat patrol leave with them and The “guards”—Troy, Moffitt, Hitchcock, Tully—shout and “pursue.”]
Troy: (yelling) Stop them! They’re taking the prisoners!
Newkirk as Voss: (dramatic) Nein! Ze Desert Plague vill spread—keep back! [and joins the “chase”. The real Rat Patrol slips away with the underground. Newkirk leads Hogan’s men back via the emergency tunnel.]
Act 4: The Perfect Record Remains
[Scene: Klink’s office, next morning. Klink sips coffee, Hogan and Schultz remain in “quarantine” with him when Hochstetter bursts in.]
Hochstetter: (snarling) Klink! You idiot! The Rat Patrol escaped from the hotel! My men guarded them—coughing desert rats—and they vanished!
Klink: (calmly) Major, may I point out they were in Gestapo custody—not my camp. My record’s remains spotless.
Hochstetter: (fuming) Don’t lecture me! Troy, Moffitt—they slipped through my fingers!
Kink: Sir Doctor Voss confirmed the cases of Desert Plague before he left [Schultz rolls his eyes]
Hogan: Morning! Brilliant move, Major—letting them spread Desert Plague to the underground!
Hochstetter: (confused) What?
Hogan: (grinning) You don’t fool me Major. You let them loose on purpose—Your plan was to get the Underground infected with Desert Plague, maybe Africa next. Genius!
Klink: (eager) Yes, Major! Very clever—I’d never have thought of it!
Hochstetter: (suddenly smirking) Yes it was clever. If they reach Africa, Desert Plague could cripple the Allies! (struts out) Berlin might promote me for such a plan. Of course you never would have thought of it, Klink. I have to do EVERYTHING around here! [leaves slamming the door]
Klink: [Klink slumps, humiliated and sighing] He’s right. I’m useless…
Schultz:Oh No Herr Commandant.
Hogan: (patting shoulder) Cheer up, Kommandant. You ditched the Gestapo and the plague—total victory! Stalag 13’s never been safer.
Klink: (perking up) You’re right! No Gestapo, no plague—I am a genius!
Hogan: (deadpan) Absolutely, sir. They’ll write books about you.
Klink: (beaming) “Klink: The Unconquerable Kommandant”! (laughs as Schultz & Hogan look at each other dryly)
[Cut to North Africa. Troy, Moffitt, Hitchcock, and Tully sit by a campfire.]
Troy: (raising canteen) To Hogan—stuck it to the krauts!
Hitchcock: (laughing) Desert Plague? A riot!
Tully: (drawl) Hogan’s twisted.
Moffitt: (chuckling) Brilliant fiction—(suddenly pauses and makes a huge sneeze) Oh, dear.
[They freeze, exchange looks. Moffitt laughs nervously. Fade out with theme.]
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