Archive for the ‘personal’ Category

30 (33) Tips to Stay Married 30 (33) Years: # 33 Repeat it Back

Posted: November 22, 2020 by datechguy in culture, personal
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“Quite obviously you don’t think alike,” Kirk said, “or both of you would have offered that remark simultaneously and in the same words.”

“True but not relevant, Captain, if I may so observe,” said Spock Two, “Even if we thought exactly alike at the moment of creation of the replicate, from then on our experiences differ slightly —beginning, of course, with the simple difference that we occupy different positions in space-time. This will create a divergence in our thinking which will inevitably widen as time goes on.”

“The difference, however, may remain trivial for some significant time to come.” said Spock One.

“We are already disagreeing, are we not?” Spoke Two said coldly, ‘That is already a nontrivial difference.”

James Blish Spock Must Die 1970

This was a piece of advice that came up in conversation with a couple who have been married 47 years who my wife and I was visiting. I was so impressed with this piece of advice that it is our final piece of advice.

“When you have something to convey to your partner, when you’ve told them, ask him or her to repeat back what they understood you to say, not what they heard you say but what they understood you to say.”

No matter what the culture or academics say men and women are different but more than that PEOPLE are different and understand things differently. You can have five eye witnesses to an event and each will have a different spin on what they saw.

People in a marriage are no different, they have different backgrounds, different experiences and different way of looking at things, they can see and hear the same thing and come back with totally different interpretations of it.

So when you say something that’s really important don’t assume he or she thinks you mean what YOU think you mean. Ask them to say how they took it.

This has the potential to save days of potential arguments.

My thanks to Mar Mar and Mike for this input. I wish I had heard it 30 years earlier.

The 30 (33) tips so far

30 (32) Tips to Stay Married 30 (32) Years. #32 The Seven Second Delay

Posted: October 10, 2020 by datechguy in culture, personal
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Miranda: Ummm that was incredible. Was it good for you?

Fletcher: I’ve had better.

Liar Liar 1997

Of all the tips you have read so far this is the one that the two of us have the had the most trouble keeping.

On Radio there is a kill switch or if you know you are dealing with something that can cause grief you will have a seven second delay to allow the engineer, to keep something off the air that will get you in trouble. Marriage is the one other place where that can be most useful.

A seven second delay between the time you think something and the time you decide to say it aloud can be one of the best ways to keep a marriage strong.

The most obvious application is during an argument when someone will blurt out something that they instantly wish they could take back, or in a social setting when one might embarrass one’s spouse but believe it or not it’s OUTSIDE of such situations that this rule is most applicable.

A lifetime of watching sitcoms has had a bad effect in the sense that the idea that a conversation ends with a “zinger” might seem to be the norm, but the reality is that while that a good thing if your goal is to get a laugh from millions of viewers if your goal is a good relationship such a statement to your spouse is more likely to cause grief and not just grief the type of grief that doesn’t get expressed right away and is stored ready to be remembered as a grievance at a time of trouble perhaps even at a critical time.

This is your spouse not your “straight man” and there’s a reason why you haven’t quit your day job to go on tour.

It might take some practice, but getting that kill switch “installed” in your head will pay dividends for years to come.

The 30 (32) tips so far

30 (32) Tips to Stay Married 30 (32) Years #31 Have your Own Money

Posted: September 8, 2020 by datechguy in culture, personal
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Basil Fawlty: Yes yes, it’s 95 even if I give her ten, I’m still ten up. Polly for the 1st time in my life I’m ahead, I’m winning ah HA HA HA [Mrs. Richards enters] Ah Mrs. Richards how lovely to see you. You’re beautiful vaze that you bought yesterday has just arrived. Now remind me the money that you have there, is it yours or mine?

Mrs. Richards: I told you, it’s mine.

Basil Fawlty: But you’re still  £10 short?

Mrs. Richards: Yes I am!

Basil Fawlty: Polly give Mrs. Richards this would you?

Mrs. Richards: What’s that? [indicating the cash in his hand]

Basil Fawlty: This is mine!

Fawlty Towers Communications Problems 1979

Money is often a cause of trouble in a marriage and one easy way to avoid this is to have your own.

Don’t misunderstand. We don’t mean separate finances, or a separate credit card where you can build thousands of dollars of debt unbeknownst to your spouse (that’s a recipe for disaster). We mean a small amount for personal use.

Each spouse should have some spending money on hand or available for smaller purchases, without feeling like a child asking for an allowance. You want to buy some clothes, books, coffee, comic books, whatever? Set aside a small amount that neither one has to account for. You can choose to spend it, spend it on each other or save it up. It is discretionary and disposable income, and it does not have to be a lot.

By designating an amount as “your spending money” either by keeping some cash back from your check or putting it in an extra bank account if you want something buy something say $50-$200 you don’t have to go begging to your spouse for it or have questions raised when the credit card statement comes in.

DaWife has expanded on this. She has a “fix it” fund that she puts a regular part of her check in, for repairs that need to be done. Last year those included a new shed and fence and this year she’s saving for a patio.

The amounts or what it’s used for (or saved for) doesn’t matter. Having that independence a few dollars provides is meaningful and can help dodge a lot of potential friction over the years.

The 30 (32) tips so far

Black Lives Matter has become O’Brian & Madred I refuse to submit

Posted: June 4, 2020 by datechguy in culture, News/opinion, personal
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“You pay me tribute, by which you become my slaves. I have, therefore, a right to order you as think proper.”

The Dey of Algiers to Capt William Bainbridge USS George Washington 1800

We have reached the point where people are being fired for stating that all lives matter (which is true) vs “black lives matter” (which is true because they are a subset of all lives)

We have also reached a point where business’ that I go to have found the need to state very emphatically that “black lives matter” out of fear that their will be looted or vandalized while not daring to state publicly “all lives matter” for fear that they will be punished for it.

To be unable to express the point that all lives matter, which is a central theme of Christianity, because of either financial property or physical retribution is oppression and to submit this is to become a slave to fear.

Furthermore more once you give in on this there will be a new demand and then a new one and then a new one, or as the Dey of Algiers told William Bainbridge when he balked at running an errand with his warship for him after delivering American tribute , a payoff to keep US ships from being attacked he said: “You pay me tribute, by which you become my slaves. I have, therefore, a right to order you as think proper.”

We are told by the left, by the media but the democrat that if we only submit we will not be hounded or fired or have our business looted or smashed.

This is unacceptable to me. What would my father who fought in world war 2. Who defended his business when thugs and/or officials demanded tribute from him over the years so I could have the life I do, and suffered for it, say if I agreed to this demand? What example will I be giving my sons to pass on to their children if I gave in?

So knowing the cost and the risks let me say this on this public platform:

I refuse to submit.

There are four fingers, there are four lights

All Lives Matter

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