Posts Tagged ‘marriage’

35 Years Ago Today Plus Tips 34 (Errands Together) and 35 (Let them Sleep) on how to stay Married 35 years UPDATE Links Fixed

Posted: April 9, 2023 by datechguy in culture
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April 9th 1988

Since it is 35 years I suspect we should add two more tips to my 30 (33) tips to stay married 35 years.

30 (35) Tips to stay married 30 (35) years. Tip #34 Errands Together

Professor Henry Higgins: damn Damn Damn DAMN! I’ve grown accustomed to her face.

My Fair Lady

Life is full of errands. Sometimes little errands that are pains in the neck. Things you know should be done but you just can’t get motivated. If you see this with your spouse volunteer NOT to do the errand, but to come along.

The company turns the boring errand into a little outing, gives you a chance to talk and makes the errand easier. It become less about doing stuff you don’t feel like doing and about the time together. Plus you never know if your spouse might remember something you’ve forgotten.

Yes it seems like a little thing but those small little things add up to a lot of good years in the long run.

When one of you has to do errands, if the other one volunteers to come along.

30 (35) Tips to stay married 30 (35) years. Tip #35 Let them Sleep (Unless they’re a Bum)

Jesus Christ: [waking to see six children staring down at him] Couldn’t have waited half an hour eh?

The Chosen: Jesus loves the little children 2019

One of the things you tend to appreciate when you get older is a good night’s sleep. A good night’s sleep has a ton of health benefits and can make the rest of the day, even a tough day bearable.

There are times of course when you have to get up early. Appointments with a doctor, with a garage or going to work.

But if you’re spouse is asleep and is enjoying that sleep, let them keep sleeping. Even if they promised the night before to get up and make you your favorite breakfast. You can have breakfast any day but that sleep will make a huge difference in how the rest of the day together will go. And of course you could always have breakfast for lunch or supper. If Denny’s can do it so can you.

Of course if you’re spouse is a lazy bum, then go ahead and wake em but odds are if your spouse is a lazy bum you not going to be get anywhere near 35 of marriage anyways.

The tips so far

UPDATE Links pointing to the old defunct blog fixed.

30 (33) Tips to Stay Married 30 (33) Years: # 33 Repeat it Back

Posted: November 22, 2020 by datechguy in culture, personal
Tags: ,

“Quite obviously you don’t think alike,” Kirk said, “or both of you would have offered that remark simultaneously and in the same words.”

“True but not relevant, Captain, if I may so observe,” said Spock Two, “Even if we thought exactly alike at the moment of creation of the replicate, from then on our experiences differ slightly —beginning, of course, with the simple difference that we occupy different positions in space-time. This will create a divergence in our thinking which will inevitably widen as time goes on.”

“The difference, however, may remain trivial for some significant time to come.” said Spock One.

“We are already disagreeing, are we not?” Spoke Two said coldly, ‘That is already a nontrivial difference.”

James Blish Spock Must Die 1970

This was a piece of advice that came up in conversation with a couple who have been married 47 years who my wife and I was visiting. I was so impressed with this piece of advice that it is our final piece of advice.

“When you have something to convey to your partner, when you’ve told them, ask him or her to repeat back what they understood you to say, not what they heard you say but what they understood you to say.”

No matter what the culture or academics say men and women are different but more than that PEOPLE are different and understand things differently. You can have five eye witnesses to an event and each will have a different spin on what they saw.

People in a marriage are no different, they have different backgrounds, different experiences and different way of looking at things, they can see and hear the same thing and come back with totally different interpretations of it.

So when you say something that’s really important don’t assume he or she thinks you mean what YOU think you mean. Ask them to say how they took it.

This has the potential to save days of potential arguments.

My thanks to Mar Mar and Mike for this input. I wish I had heard it 30 years earlier.

The 30 (33) tips so far

30 (32) Tips to Stay Married 30 (32) Years #30 The Last Word is Fools Gold

Posted: April 30, 2020 by datechguy in culture
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Captain Kirk: Bones. [starts to collapse.] No, no, I’m all right

Dr. McCoy: If you keep arguing with your kindly family doctor, you’re going to spend your next ten days right here. If you co-operate, you’ll be out in two.

Mr. Spock: Doctor, I’ll return to my station now.

Dr. McCoy: You ARE at your station, Mister Spock.

Captain Kirk: Doctor McCoy, I believe you’re enjoying all this.

Mr. Spock: Indeed, Captain. I’ve never seen him look so happy.

Dr. McCoy: Shut up! (turns to Kirk) Shh. Shh! (turns to camera) Well, what do you know? I finally got the last word.

Star Trek: Journey to Babel 1967

Dr. McCoy’s joy not withstanding there are very few things less valuable in a marriage than the last word in an argument.

Arguments in a marriage are unavoidable and any argument has the potential to cause trouble far beyond the day of the fight. We’ve already talked about having an escape plan and knowing what hill to die on but of the advice on arguments this is likely the hardest to follow.

Whether you are having a small spat or a knock down drag out fight, in the midst of a fight the last word is a temptation greater than any other. In the mind of a combatant it’s the equivalent of holding the field of battle when the guns have stopped, and if the ‘last word’ was actually that you might be able to make that argument, but the reality is quite different.

In a marital argument the ‘last word’ usually generates a response from your spouse who is also looking for a ‘last word’, thus deprived of your prize you immediately come back with your own ‘last word’ and a fight that might have been on it’s last legs becomes like the battle of Verdun which started as a battle of attrition but escalated with both sides kept throwing in men to the slaughter for now real purpose.

Furthermore even if you manage to grab that valuable last word you will find yourself in close quarters with the same spouse the next day who steaming from that last sting might have thought of a few new words that won’t be so plesant.

The last word is fools gold, be a wise prospector and learn to reject it.

The 30 (32) tips so far

30 Tips to Stay Married 30 (31) Years: #29 Expect Change

Posted: November 8, 2019 by datechguy in culture
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Alex Jensen: …You’re cute. You’re funny. Maybe you’re getting hit on and you don’t even know it.
Leonard Hofstadter: Really?
Alex Jensen: Yep, pretty sure.

The Big Bang Theory The 43 Peculiarity 2012

If there is one thing that constant in the world it’s change.

Everything changes, styles, people, things. Yet some people have the idea that marriage will somehow be different?

Let me give an example: There is an old joke that if a couple puts a nickel in a jar every time they have sex during the 1st two years of marriage and then starts taking one out every time after that 2nd year that jar won’t be empty for many many years.

People’s desires their needs and their sexual drives. While there are no hard and fast rules about this, this is something you need to be prepared for as a couple and make allowances, particularly in situations like tip # 17 Make sure your “escape plan” for a fight doesn’t include going somewhere where you will find yourself anywhere that a person might be expected to be picked up, particularly if said location involves drinking.

Likewise you might have friends of the opposite sex at work but if the sexual situation has changed at home you might want to be a tad more careful how you carry yourself.

And that’s only one type of change, financial situations change, health changes, where you live changes, responsibilities change, where and how you live changes. Some changes might just affect you, others just your spouse, but ALL of these changes, even positive ones are going to affect your relationship and many of them will not be under your control, they just will be.

Being ready willing and able to deal with change will have a huge impact if your marriage is going to last 3 years let alone 30.

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