Posts Tagged ‘30 tips to stay married 30 years’

30 tips to stay married 30 years. #18 Don’t Spoil the Kids, Particularly Early.

Posted: March 28, 2018 by datechguy in culture
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Claudius: [writing] It is always unpleasant to hear of the murder of a child: but the reader must take my word for it that if he too and known little Drusilla, her father’s [Caligula’s] pet, he would have longed to do to her precisely what Lupus did.

Robert Graves, Claudius the God 1935

It’s time to bring up the subject of kids

I was watching a video of my kids first couple of christmas’ and in so doing what really jumped out at me was how the whole gift business seemed all about us rather than the kids.

Every time the kid opened a gift they liked and wanted to play with it we were chasing another gift, it was particularly funny when watching my oldest who was fascinated by a pencil, we would keep giving him another gift to open, he would smile, hold it for a while and head back to the pencil. He would have been completely happy playing with said pencil till the next day (even today his spare time when not gaming is spent drawing).

Not only did that pile of gifts become clutter that would make dawife crazy but once a person gets a large number of gifts suddenly the exceptions game changed and not for the better.

If instead of a flock of gifts we purchased one or two each Christmas for the boys and told any relatives who wanted to kick in to buy em savings bonds the house would have been a lot less cluttered, their bank accounts would have done even better than they did and most important of all they would have not only appreciated the stuff they had a lot more but learned that life isn’t about stuff.

And of course I suspect two and a half decades later with bills and loans to pay they would really appreciate the nest egg that twenty years of extra savings would have meant.

The time to avoid spoiling your child is always now, if you already have kids, the time to start is now, if you haven’t yet now’s the time to resist the temptation of watching them open gift after gift. I know there is joy in that but you’ll have more from a well adjusted kid who isn’t obsessed with things and an adult who knows the value of them.

The 30 tips so far…

30 Tips to Stay Married 30 Years #17 Have an Argument Escape Plan (and or let your spouse use their’s)

Posted: March 27, 2018 by datechguy in culture
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Peter and Val, a bit of advice, when you get into a fight, don’t throw the expensive stuff.

My Pal Roger on our wedding video. April 9th 1988

The last several tips have been about arguments and disagreements and this one is for when you are getting deep into an argument.

There comes a time in an argument when you realize that there is nothing you can say to avoid it, defuse it or to calm down the person you are with. Some times a fight is just that bad.

When you reach that point you have two choices. Stay there and take it or get out of the line of fire.

While there are advantages to staying there and taking it (your spouse gets to vent) very often such a plan has one of two effects, both bad:

1. Your spouse presumes that you have “tuned out” and gets angrier and angrier over it

2. You lose your temper and the the fight escalates

Neither of these choices are condusive to ending a fight. It’s at these moments that your best choice is simply to leave for a time

Maybe there is a local watering hole that you enjoy, or a restaurant for a bite or if you’re a gamer or comic guy there is always the local comic store, I always find a pinball machine a perfect tool for venting out frustrations. if you’re religious there is your local church, if there is a Divine Mercy Chapel with 24 hour adoration that’s an even better choice as you can’t do better than going directly to Christ in times of trouble.

Getting out have many advantages, you get to calm down, without someone to strike back at your spouse eventually begins to lose the edge on their anger and once you are calm you now have the inititive to make a move to diffuse the situation even further. Once you’ve given yourself and your spouse time to regain your composure head on back (this is also a great situation to use the “Angry Gifts” tip) if you really want to be creative, call your spouse and invite them to a restaurant they enjoy or to a movie they want to see, see if they can be ready to be picked up.

Remember it’s all about making sure the fight ends quickly, hopefull that very night. Getting out gives everyone the chance to make that happen.

An important Caveat Do NOT fail to come home, if too long a time passes then the immagination starts to kick in and things can get worse (remember the last tip about not generating suspicion). In the end you are the best judge about how much time is too much and what the right time to talk again is.

Don’t worry about winning a fight, remember when the fight ends everybody wins.

The Tips to date:

30 Tips to Stay Married 30 Years: Today’s Tip #16 Avoid Temptation and Suspicion

Posted: March 26, 2018 by datechguy in culture
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Katherine McLintock: Oh congratulations I don’t want to seem prudish but if you are going to be marrying sheriff Lord you seem to be sitting on the wrong man’s lap.

McKlintok! 1963

I’m Married not Dead

My dad, on many occasions

When Mike Pence was first mentioned as a possible vice presidential candidate he was teased an awful lot for having a rule that he would not go to dinner or be alone with another woman behind a closed-door.

In the #metoo era this sound an awful lot like sage advice but in reality it is applying a basic truth about men and women. Men are biologically programed to notice and pursue women and that biological urgency doesn’t magically disappear with a wedding vow. This not only explains the temptations of a man but the suspicions a man might have because he KNOWS that vow is not likely to dissuade all men from perusing his woman.

Furthermore the same biological programing that causes men to pursue causes women to both make an effort to be attractive to men AND to one a mate is chosen to be suspicious of other women with him.

While there are of course in a population of billions exceptions these are the biological facts and the ability of people to resist the prompting of evolutionary biology vary from person to person.

However there is one very simple way to avoid this problem, and that’s avoiding the situation and occasions where temptation is present.

Did a member of the opposite sex from work invite you to dinner or lunch alone, decline politely or ask if a friend cam come. Going to an event without daspouse where pickups might be expected. Bring a wingman or woman who will keep you honest (as opposed to one who will make excuses) or bring the kids if possible. Do you know your spouse is the jealous type, dodge situations that would trigger said jealously.

Use these three general rules:

  1. If a situation is one that YOU would be jealous or suspicious of if your spouse was doing it, odds are you should give it a miss.
  2. If you know that you are weak or attracted to a particular person who is getting too close either avoid said person or bring up your spouse whenever possible in conversation. That is a very strong signal that you are not on the market.
  3. If you are going supposed to be at an event without your spouse which mixes the opposite sex with booze or legal (or illegal) drugs just say no to it.

Bottom line Temptation is a lot easier to deal with if you just dodge it and suspicion is a lot less likely to take place if your spouse sees you avoiding these situation.

Mike Pence has been married a long time, follow this tips and you’re more likely to be as well.

Previously in 30 tips to Stay Married 30 Years

30 Tips to Stay Married 30 Years, Today: #15 Carefully Choose the Hills Worth Dying On

Posted: March 25, 2018 by datechguy in culture
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Ambassador Fox: Your refusal to comply with my orders has endangered the entire success of this mission. I can have you sent to a penal colony for this.
Mr Scott: That you can, sir, but I won’t lower the screens.
Ambassador Fox: Your name will figure prominently in my report to the Federation Central.
Doctor McCoy: Well, Scotty, now you’ve done it.
Mr. Scott: Aye. The haggis is in the fire for sure, but I’ll not lower my defenses on the word of that mealy-mouthed gentleman down below. Not until I know what happened to the Captain.

Star Trek, A Taste of Armageddon 1967

This is the companion of Don’t sweat the small stuff. Carefully Choose the Hills Worth Dying On.

While questions like

  • Do you want a blue bedspread vs a yellow one?
  • What type of flowers do we plant in the front
  • Do you buy Tide or Gain to do the laundry?

aren’t worth a dispute things like…

  • Can we afford this House?
  • How Big a Car Loan can we take.
  • Do we move across the country
  • Do we pay for Private School for the kids?

…are things that are important because they will affect financial and social future of you, your spouse and your kids.  A bad decision here can make for a rough life so such questions have to be worked soberly and carefully, even if it leads to a fight.

Furthermore there may be times when one’s self respect is at stake. While such times are rare and with wisdom may not come up at all, at such times it may be necessary to take a stand that has to provoke a crisis.

There are times to put your foot down in a marriage, if you’re going to do so make sure it’s something more important than pancakes for breakfast or taking the short cut to the party.

If you’re going to fight and die on a hill be damn sure that hill is worth dying on.

Previously in 30 tips to Stay Married 30 Years

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