Posts Tagged ‘30 tips to stay married 30 years’

30 (32) Tips to Stay Married 30 (32) Years #30 The Last Word is Fools Gold

Posted: April 30, 2020 by datechguy in culture
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Captain Kirk: Bones. [starts to collapse.] No, no, I’m all right

Dr. McCoy: If you keep arguing with your kindly family doctor, you’re going to spend your next ten days right here. If you co-operate, you’ll be out in two.

Mr. Spock: Doctor, I’ll return to my station now.

Dr. McCoy: You ARE at your station, Mister Spock.

Captain Kirk: Doctor McCoy, I believe you’re enjoying all this.

Mr. Spock: Indeed, Captain. I’ve never seen him look so happy.

Dr. McCoy: Shut up! (turns to Kirk) Shh. Shh! (turns to camera) Well, what do you know? I finally got the last word.

Star Trek: Journey to Babel 1967

Dr. McCoy’s joy not withstanding there are very few things less valuable in a marriage than the last word in an argument.

Arguments in a marriage are unavoidable and any argument has the potential to cause trouble far beyond the day of the fight. We’ve already talked about having an escape plan and knowing what hill to die on but of the advice on arguments this is likely the hardest to follow.

Whether you are having a small spat or a knock down drag out fight, in the midst of a fight the last word is a temptation greater than any other. In the mind of a combatant it’s the equivalent of holding the field of battle when the guns have stopped, and if the ‘last word’ was actually that you might be able to make that argument, but the reality is quite different.

In a marital argument the ‘last word’ usually generates a response from your spouse who is also looking for a ‘last word’, thus deprived of your prize you immediately come back with your own ‘last word’ and a fight that might have been on it’s last legs becomes like the battle of Verdun which started as a battle of attrition but escalated with both sides kept throwing in men to the slaughter for now real purpose.

Furthermore even if you manage to grab that valuable last word you will find yourself in close quarters with the same spouse the next day who steaming from that last sting might have thought of a few new words that won’t be so plesant.

The last word is fools gold, be a wise prospector and learn to reject it.

The 30 (32) tips so far

30 Tips to Stay Married 30 (31) Years: #29 Expect Change

Posted: November 8, 2019 by datechguy in culture
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Alex Jensen: …You’re cute. You’re funny. Maybe you’re getting hit on and you don’t even know it.
Leonard Hofstadter: Really?
Alex Jensen: Yep, pretty sure.

The Big Bang Theory The 43 Peculiarity 2012

If there is one thing that constant in the world it’s change.

Everything changes, styles, people, things. Yet some people have the idea that marriage will somehow be different?

Let me give an example: There is an old joke that if a couple puts a nickel in a jar every time they have sex during the 1st two years of marriage and then starts taking one out every time after that 2nd year that jar won’t be empty for many many years.

People’s desires their needs and their sexual drives. While there are no hard and fast rules about this, this is something you need to be prepared for as a couple and make allowances, particularly in situations like tip # 17 Make sure your “escape plan” for a fight doesn’t include going somewhere where you will find yourself anywhere that a person might be expected to be picked up, particularly if said location involves drinking.

Likewise you might have friends of the opposite sex at work but if the sexual situation has changed at home you might want to be a tad more careful how you carry yourself.

And that’s only one type of change, financial situations change, health changes, where you live changes, responsibilities change, where and how you live changes. Some changes might just affect you, others just your spouse, but ALL of these changes, even positive ones are going to affect your relationship and many of them will not be under your control, they just will be.

Being ready willing and able to deal with change will have a huge impact if your marriage is going to last 3 years let alone 30.

30 Tips to Stay Married 30 (31) Years: #28 Togetherness The Default but not Mandatory

Posted: November 7, 2019 by datechguy in culture
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My mother always told us that a person gets married to be with someone and she’s was very right. When you are married you are together, through think and through thin, though the tough times and the easy ones.

So it is with various social and other events. In such situations the default position should be to be beside your wife or your husband.

But note this is the DEFAULT position. There are going to be some rare events and occasions, from concerts to visits where one of you might be absolutely delighted to be while the other may be at best indifferent and at worst absolutely disgusted to be there.

As the old saying goes, one bad apple can spoil a whole bunch and one person unhappy and unwilling can ruin the pleasure of a thing that one may have looked forward to for weeks or even months.

If your wife or husband is set on something that you really don’t want to do, or somewhere you really don’t want to go, let them go with friends or other family and enjoy themselves and above all don’t force yourself someplace where you will be a killjoy out of a misplaced sense of duty. Don’t get in the way of a happy day. Do something you like instead. You can hear all about things when they get home.

Contrariwise if you are set on something that you know your spouse doesn’t like or has no interest in, let them stay home or do something else. No amount of you wanting someone to enjoy or be excited by something will make it so. Dragging an unwilling participant with you is a recipe for disappointment. You can share that joy when you get home.

Now again this should be the exception from the default position not the rule but the wise use of this exception will make a lot of difference in the long run.

The rules to date:

30 Tips to Stay Married 30 (31) Years #27 Take Culture With a Grain of Salt

Posted: November 3, 2019 by datechguy in culture
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Even if a particular train of thought can be twisted so as to end in our favour, you will find that you have been strengthening in your patient the fatal habit of attending to universal issues and withdrawing his attention from the stream of immediate sense experiences. Your business is to fix his attention on the stream. Teach him to call it “real life” and don’t let him ask what he means by “real.”

CS Lewis The Screwtape Letters Letter #1

If there is one thing that you can’t avoid these days it’s unsolicited advice.

In the old days it would come from friends, acquaintance and relatives, now it comes from everywhere in the culture.

TV, Movies, Talk shows, podcasts, and social media are constantly telling you how you should live, how you should eat, how you should have sex etc etc etc. Furthermore in today’s cancel culture a lot of this is given in terms not just of advice, but as a command, do this OR ELSE.

Now of course both you and your spouse live in the culture, the place and the time where you are so while this bombardment can’t be avoided completely it can be ignored and some of it might even make sense or have merit but all of it, the advice and the culture should be taken in the context of what we said yesterday: No source of advice, not even this post can beat the experience of each day you have together.

The demands of culture are transitory. Even just a few years of marriage will outlast the fads of the day. Once you are talking lustrums (5 years) or decades you will realize just how hollow they truly are.

Take it all with a grain of salt.

The Tips So far”

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