Da Techguy's (no longer backup) Blog

Tommy: She said I could have one if it was dusty.

Mac: Wife don’t like him to drink.

Jimmy Ringo: Don’t blame her….[pleasant conversation as they drink together] That’s fine, have one with me

Tommy: No thanks. ONE is what she said

The Gunfighter 1950

This one is very hard.

There are certain things that are important to individuals for whatever reason, either they value them or they hate them with a passion.

These things develop over our youth and by the time we’re getting married they are ingrained, sometimes to a degree where we think Of COURSE everyone feels the same way.

It can be a thing as simple as putting pans away a certain way or as complicated as an annual pilgrimage. With my brother Tony it was clothes, he told his wife to be in no uncertain clothes that nobody washed clothes but him, but whatever it is, you need to discuss it with your fiancée /wife/husband. Before marriage is best but if you wait till after the nuptials do it quick.

The sooner these limits are set the less likely they will fester into resentment and if for some reason this contradicts something important to your spouse it’s best to get it out there early while still in the throes of the enchantment of new marriage when you are likely to resolve it, than to have it out when that factor is no longer there and you’ve had years of silence breeding resentment that will burst out when you’re angry.

It will pay off in the long run, my brother Tony will be married 48 years all of which involved him doing the laundry to his wife’s delight.

Previously in 30 tips to stay married 30 years:

• 1 Choose Wisely
• #2 A Long Engagement
• #3 Get Married in Church
• #4 Don’t Write Your Own Vows

Charlie Anderson: Do you like her?

Lt. Sam: Well, I just said I…

Charlie Anderson: No, no. You just said you loved her. There’s some difference between lovin’ and likin’. When I married Jennie’s mother, I-I didn’t love her – I liked her… I liked her a lot. I liked Martha for at least three years after we were married and then one day it just dawned on me I loved her. I still do… still do. You see, Sam, when you love a woman without likin’ her, the night can be long and cold, and contempt comes up with the sun.

Shenandoah 1965

One of the most common things I’ve seen in the days since marriage has been removed from churches have been people writing their own vows.

Many of these vows are flowery, beautiful words, remembering pleasant times together and looking forward to a bright future together and to be sure I don’t doubt that when those vows were being made the couples making them were convinced that this would be the case forever.

Ah the optimism of youth.

It is true that love is a grand thing and that the vow to a love is a part of marriage but what IS love?

Love is being true not just when things are going well, but when everything is falling down around you. Love is standing with someone not just when all the bills are paid and you are going on fine vacations, but when the credit card bills are overwhelming you and your car and house are being repossessed. Love isn’t just devotion during the days of youth and strength, but in the days of infirmity, of age of confusion. Love isn’t just honoring someone when they has position and rank and standing, but when they have no position, no standing and seemingly no prospect for that to change.

The lovely phrases crafted by couples enthralled with the idea of the perfect wedding neglect this reality, but these traditional vows do:

“I, ______, take you, ______, for my lawful wife/husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health, until death do us part.”

As does the slightly more modern version

“I, ______, take you, ______, to be my wife/husband. I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love you and honor you all the days of my life.”

When you are wedded to a culture that says if it feels good do it and if it doesn’t throw it away, such vows are a scary thing, it acknowledges the reality of what marriage is and is has always been meant to be.

If you want yours to last, take thee traditional vows and acknowledge what a marriage is, you can always say some flowery phrases at the reception before you guests after the real vows are in the bank.

Previously in 30 tips to stay married 30 years:

• #1 Choose Wisely
• #2 A Long Engagement
• #3 Get Married in Church

Jesus Christ:Therefore what God has joined together, no human being must separate.

Mark 10:9

I think it’s no coincidence that it’s been years since I’ve been to a wedding at Church and that so many of the weddings I’ve been to during that time have failed.

To many a wedding is just a big party and to be sure a wedding is certainly worthy of the celebrations that insures a large and joyous one if possible.

A Marriage however is more, it’s a legal public acknowledgement that the person next to you is your mate.  It says to the government and the world that the children that come from this union have a mother and a father and that the people involved in said union belong to each other.

But a marriage in church, particularly a sacramental Catholic Marriage is much more. It is that acknowledgement made before God something blessed and holy.  It’s a contract placed before something greater than any mere human industry and done in a ceremony that while joyous, is also consummate with the dignity and the solemnity of the event and the entity that the promise is being made before.

To be sure a church wedding does not guarantee a marriage will survive. From Henry the VIII who was married Catherine of Aragon with the greatest of religious ceremony, to Ronald Reagan to our current President men and women have revoked these public declarations even when made in church.  It wasn’t until the 60’s this become not only more common but accepted and it’s no coincidence that the social ills that come with illigitmacy , single parenthood and absent fathers are now the scourge of society. The Common Thread, the secularization of the society and the removal of God from marriage made this possible.

This comes from treating the marriage contract as a “scrap of paper” to be discarded by men rather than a sacrament made before God to be blessed and kept.

Previously:

• #1 Choose Wisely
• #2 A Long Engagement

Thus grief still treads upon the heels of pleasure:
Married in haste, we may repent at leisure.

The Old Batchelour, 1693:

One of the biggest mistakes people make in marriage is haste. A trip to Vegas, or a rush to a Justice of the peace and suddenly you are in a legal relationship whose failure can cost you plenty.

A long engagement means that you get time to know each other, to spend time with each other, to see how others react in a crisis, to test your judgement. It also gives time to see how you act in conflict because conflicts WILL arise and you need to see how these will be handled.

Now by a long engagement I don’t mean living together, While that does provide some preview of coming events it becomes very easy to fall into the “it’s just a piece of paper” trap, which I will address in a future tip.

In the catholic Church there are meetings and marriage preparation that take place, these allows you to consider things that you have not advised by a person who deals with families every day and has seen marriages work and fail. This is an invaluable tool and a long engagement gives time for it to be used.

Additionally a long engagement give extra time to plan the Wedding date to maximize the chance of distant guests to attend, to give wiggle room in case an issue comes up and to be sure that your Wedding day is a memorable one.

The idea is to have a single wedding day in one’s lifetime, so take the time to make it a good one and it will help make it last.

Previously:

• #1 Choose Wisely